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Gemma Styles [00:00:02] Hello, I'm Gemma and welcome back to a brand new season of good influence. This is the podcast where each week you and I meet a guest who will help us pay attention to something we should know about as well as answer some of your questions. This week we're talking about self-care, what it really means day to day, knowing yourself in order to accept yourself, and why we should prioritise our own needs. So joining me this week is Grace Victory, sometimes known as the Internet's big sister. Grace is an author, blogger and content creator. Her second book, How to Calm It, was released in 2021 as a guide to help readers work on their own mindfulness. And she's spoken extensively on the topics of mental health, spirituality and wellness in online spaces, encouraging open conversation on the ins and outs of looking after ourselves.

Grace Victory [00:00:54] This will where someone that needs you all the time. I think it's very important to remember that you. You also need you. And so. Yes, whatever brings you back to yourself, do more with love.

Gemma Styles [00:01:06] So if we can maybe start with the basics. What does self-care mean to you?

Grace Victory [00:01:13] I mean, that's not really a basic question. I say that's a big question. Okay. Yeah, some self-care for me. Means honouring my needs. Coming home to myself and making sure that my own cup is full. I feel like as a woman, I'm self-employed. I'm a mom. These are all things I need to be aware of. And in order to give myself to my child, my relationships and my work. Mm hmm.

Gemma Styles [00:01:54] I mean, great answer. Just to immediately kick us off.

Grace Victory [00:01:58] Thank you.

Gemma Styles [00:01:59] So how do you think? But that differs from the version of self care that we may be see more often on social media, for example.

Grace Victory [00:02:11] I think back in maybe 2016, self-care became like a buzz word. Mm hmm. And I remember my therapist at the time saying to me, Oh, what do you do for self-care? And I was like, Well, what is self-care? I'd never even heard of the term before. Mm hmm. And, you know, she's like, you know, what do you do to relax and and unwind? And I think. Years ago. That was what self-care was heavily spoken about with a kind of facemask, bubble bath. Going for a walk, those kinds of things. But I think that she now moves on a little bit, especially for me. I try to look at self-care as like how? I'm honouring my needs. What do I actually need? And sometimes you do need a face mask. Sometimes you do need a bubble bath. But also there are times where you need to go to a sexual health clinic. You need to pay your bills on time. Mm hmm. All these other parts of our daily lives or, you know, monthly living, that also matters. And it's about taking care of myself spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally. And how does that look for you on a on a daily basis? And for me, it is a, you know, bubble bath and stuff. It is the more deep things and sometimes the easier things with being a mom. It's not always easy to kind of do these lavish, lovely things. Sometimes I go to bed half an hour earlier. That's all I could do on that day to make myself feel better. Or I'm tired, my body aches. I need to honour myself, you know, and sleep. So I think self-care is different for everybody, but I think the conversations around it now are just a lot deeper and more meaningful. Yeah. For me anyway.

Gemma Styles [00:04:16] No, I agree. Which I think is a good thing. Yeah. But it's also I feel like self-care as a topic is kind of more complicated than it would initially seem. Because even, you know, as we have. These conversations. And like you just said, a lot of what we see is the kind of like face mask, bubble bath, self-care, but it's not even looking at that and saying, well, no, that's not self-care because it can be.

Grace Victory [00:04:43] Yeah, yeah.

Gemma Styles [00:04:44] But it also isn't the only thing. So I feel like it's, it's that kind of thing where it's personal to the individual, right? So it's not going to be a one size fits all thing.

Grace Victory [00:04:56] Yeah. And I think a bubble bath isn't going to fix your deep psychological issues. A bubble bath isn't going to fix your financial worries. I think that's where it can get quite murky and quite messy. You know, some people get into a therapy that is that should be their self-care or they need to leave their partner or, you know, move out of their abusive home. They share with that their parents. It it can be very, very deep and. I do think that sometimes it can get lost. But also I think people don't always know what they need. Hmm. It is hard to take a step back sometimes and actually look at yourself and re-evaluate and be like, oh, like, you know that that's a me problem. Well, that's a them problem. I think as you as you get older, as you kind of explore who you are, you become more aware of your more goals, more and more aware of your needs. And when you truly, truly, truly love and care about the South becomes a lot easier to have your needs met and make sure that being met with within all your relationships, including yourself, you know, boundaries with yourself and respect to yourself, etc., etc.. Hmm.

Gemma Styles [00:06:22] How do you think people can sort of move towards that place of self-love and kind of get into a space where they truly do feel like. They deserve to take care of themselves. That's you know, that's obviously not a simple place to get to if that's not how you currently feel.

Grace Victory [00:06:40] Yeah, it's really, really hard. And I think, you know, I've got a therapist, I talk a lot about therapy online and on the podcast and stuff I do. Actually having a therapist is a massive, massive privilege because it's so expensive and everyone has access to them, I think. One of the big things for me is to kind of make self-reflection a habit on a daily practise. And I always tell people to journal because as soon as you wake up, you swipe your phone or you just a single day is no, there's no time to kind of catch yourself, catch your thoughts. And I think journaling in the morning is really beneficial for everyone's mental health and also before bedtime, too, because you have all these thoughts throughout the day. At the end of the day. You know, you might have a you might've had a really bad day. You're not sure why it's gone wrong. But just taking that minute to self-reflect is really important. And that's how you get to know yourself like always. I always say to my friends, like, look back in your journal and see a pattern. See where you were a year ago and just use yourself as a mirror. I think we're very scared of seeing who we really are. I know I am. And you cannot like yourself, let alone love yourself without actually knowing who you are and seeing, you know, the the the really great parts of yourself, but also the parts that need a bit of work, the shadow, the dark, the darkness in you, which we all have. And I think journaling is a really good way to to see who you are.

Gemma Styles [00:08:27] That's so interesting. The way you talk about. Yeah. Kind of getting to know yourself, because that's so true. If you. Yeah. If you don't get to grips with all the different sort of parts of your personality, even the bits that you don't necessarily like or.

Grace Victory [00:08:40] Try or try to hide because we do have those. I think it stems from your childhood, you know, when you've got this like quirky thing and someone at school or your parent kind of shuts that down. It's like, Oh, that's really weird. And you start hiding who you are from a very young age. So you get your adult adulthood and you've left parts of yourself behind or you forgotten who you are. I think becoming an adult is about rediscovering yourself and your inner child. It's a really beautiful process.

Gemma Styles [00:09:15] Yeah, I love it. I mean, you mentioned earlier, so I've got a good little factor from my researching for the episode. So according to Google Trends, the number of searches online for self-care have more than doubled since 2015, which I think it was around 2016. You said it kind of. Pushed more into our kind of collective psyche.

Grace Victory [00:09:36] Yeah.

Gemma Styles [00:09:37] What do you think is driving that conversation now and why are we kind of still. Putting more of an emphasis on self-care is something that we it seems like everybody feels they need at the moment.

Grace Victory [00:09:51] I think, one, people are really unhappy and a very aware of that now. And too, I think because of COVID and self-isolating, not really having those outside tools, you know, go for drinks on the weekend or going out about whatever is. Being inside so much more meant that we were seeing ourselves a lot more with our thoughts. We were having to entertain ourselves with pretty much nothing that was kind of, you know, outside influence. So I think maybe that's why. But also maybe it's just. Like the collective awakening of kind of like. How hard the world is, how difficult we're finding things. I think that's not going through its music. You know what you're listening to? I think a lot of artists are coming up now and releasing songs that are a bit more meaningful but more deep, using music as a healing tool. And I think also like influences and social media and what we're talking about, I think for so long, all of us have been and probably still are pretending everything's fine, everything's great. And actually, it's very kind of, I don't know, fresh a breath of fresh air, to be honest, to be like, oh, I'm struggling. This one guy's story and. I think we're all just much more honest about what we're lacking or what we need. And I think to self-care, just fall into that umbrella.

Gemma Styles [00:11:28] Yeah, definitely. Do you think when you say kind of we're all it feels like we're all a bit aware that we're unhappy. Do you think that that kind of social media environment and. Comparing ourselves to people who look on social media to be really happy all the time. Do you think that's kind of driving that or.

Grace Victory [00:11:47] I think it's a part of it, yeah. I think social media is a really great tool for many things, but I think it can hinder us in terms of being okay with who we are. I don't think I really used to push the narrative of like, you have to not be myself, you have to love yourself. Whereas now it's more about acceptance that you have to accept yourself. And I think if you're searching on Instagram or Twitter or TikTok or whatever for things that make you feel bad about yourself. It kind of takes away opportunities to like yourself and accept yourself for who you are. So yeah, I think social media definitely plays a role in like our self-perception, how we perceive ourselves and how we perceive others. Because I definitely I go online and I'm like, Oh, great. Someone else in the Maldives. Amazing tide, amazing food. And I'm sat in my flat in London. Well, what about my brain? And, you know, we all do it. I think it's really important to, like, be aware of that, take a step back, come off the Internet and limit your social media usage, which I know is really hard. And for some people, I think it's really having an impact on who we are on mental health. And something's got to give. You know, you can't keep complaining that you're unhappy without actively trying to to change. That makes sense.

Gemma Styles [00:13:20] Yeah, it does make sense. I mean, I think it is again, it's one of those things that's a lot harder to do than it is to say, yeah, yeah, but yeah, completely. How do you find, as you know, a content creator, someone who is online and works online and talks about wellness, how do you personally try and kind of find that balance of not. Kind of giving too much of yourself to social media while also not completely being able to really step away.

Grace Victory [00:13:49] I. Don't go on Instagram and stuff straight away in the mornings. Mainly because I've got a child who's demanding my attention since we make up, but I try and limit my usage. So I've got a warning on my phone. So it says If I've been on my phone for more than 2 hours, I could take to Instagram or Twitter. It will tell me like You're coming to the end of your usage time, so try and do 2 hours a day, which is amazing how quickly that time goes.

Gemma Styles [00:14:22] Yeah, I can imagine.

Grace Victory [00:14:23] Oh my god. Next scrolling. You don't realise how much you scroll. Think of addiction, Scorpio Addiction and I tend to come off online completely over the weekend. It's taken me many years, like a decade to get to this point and. I try and really, really, really like create my feet. So who one following? I don't follow people that wind me up or have outlandish opinions. I try to make it a happy space. Mm hmm. And obviously, you know, you might comment, you've got a troll or some stupid news article, retweet onto a timeline, whatever is for the most part. I follow people that I think are great and teach me, teach me something and make me feel good about myself, etc., etc. But also I'm only human and some days I get triggered by something online or I'm comparing myself to somebody else. So the answer to your question is I limit my time, but I could probably do better with social media. I think when it's your job, it's a bit harder. You do get sucked in sometimes, and I think I do know. It's hard because you do have a community online, nine people you want to connect to and speak to and you know, and you want to see what they're getting up to. By the same time, I just don't think it's healthy to to be in this online world as much as we all are.

Gemma Styles [00:15:54] Yeah, definitely. Yeah, I think that is 100% one of those things again, that like I know this about myself. I am actually I feel like after we have this conversation, I am going to put that thing on my phone where I have like some kind of time limit because I, I know that I do use Instagram like. You know, a fair amount. But I think because I'm not like I'm not posting every day, for example. I think maybe in my head I feel like I don't use it as much as I do. So I think maybe I'm going to do what you do and I'll tell me when I'm spending, you know, an hour or 2 hours and then it might make me realise.

Grace Victory [00:16:31] I feel like when I post a photo, then leave. I spend less time on social media. If I'm not posting, I'm just scrolling through Instagram or looking at the ones stories. Yes. I feel like what you're saying is very true. You if you've been tricked.

Gemma Styles [00:16:47] I have a fool myself into thinking I'm not as bad as I am. I hope you don't mind me asking. So you did. You touched on the kind of pandemic element to how we're all feeling before.

Grace Victory [00:17:00] Yeah.

Gemma Styles [00:17:01] You obviously had a huge experience of the pandemic very personally.

Grace Victory [00:17:06] Yeah.

Gemma Styles [00:17:07] It. It makes me wonder kind of after that experience. How it's kind of changed, how you feel about self-care and what that looks like to you. Would you mind kind of telling us a bit about what happened and then afterwards?

Grace Victory [00:17:19] So I got ill whilst pregnant in December 2020 with COVID and basic tending to pneumonia, and I had multiple organ failure, cardiac arrest, a truckie fatigue. I could breathe. What happened to me. So. Etc., etc., and had to walk again. It was a whole thing. But before I got into work was like my life. When I left to work and that comment came from being a child, single parent, household, working class. I knew to make something of myself, to make money, to be someone, I had to work extremely hard, especially knowing that I'm one mixed race, two pluses, and three poor. So those things were going to work against me, and I always knew that. So I used to I worked from a very, very young age. And I kept working. I kept working, and I would choose work over family, birthdays, parties coming out. I would always choose to work and then sleep, work, sleep works. And then when the pandemic first hand I loved in the war was in utter chaos. But I felt completely calm because I was bracing chaos. It was nothing new to me. I loved having no emails. I loved having to really do a lot because I'd worked constantly my whole life. And I think getting ill. And basic well dying and then coming back. I obviously had a complete change of perspective on my mortality life in general and what was important to me. I coming back into work, you know, I told my team, I told, you know, everyone around me that I don't want to work. I worked in flow. I want to work small, I don't want to work particularly hard. I go on the mom, I've got a child. He deserves more of me than Instagram does over work or brand teams. I've been very clear with that, and sometimes I do slip up. Sometimes I think I'll probably take that job and I'll do this. And my team and I know that we're saying no on your behalf, which I really appreciate. So for me personally, you know, COVID impacted my life in so many ways. The good thing is that who we've become since is a much better version of grace. And in terms of what my relationships and my friends and I really, really value people now, whereas before I didn't, I used to actually view people as disposable because that's just, I guess, a manifestation of my own trauma, my own childhood. And, you know, how I have been trying to protect myself for so long, so. Yeah. Deep. Yeah.

Gemma Styles [00:20:38] Is deep. I mean, it's like it was obviously an experience that most people won't. Well, I won't say most people won't have heart. That's very obvious. But you know. You know what I mean? I think, yeah, it does sometimes take really listening to people who've had quite an extreme experience because, you know, it's obviously. Unfortunate that you've had that experience, but then also it's kind of like wisdom that comes out of it and the reflections that you have. I always think it's so important to really listen to people who've been through that kind of thing because, you know, you you've lived it, you know, you've learnt the lessons and we should listen to that.

Grace Victory [00:21:18] Yeah, I think. Death doesn't always happen in a physical sense, like we do all the time. Spiritually, we go through, you know, death of our past selves, the death of our relationship, our friendship, etc., etc.. Well, I my my death was physical and so, so dramatic and traumatising. But actually, I've died many times before that and just in different ways. Hmm. And that's how. That's how I view it. Well, see, the physical self dying is is is a shock and waking up and I can't speak, I can't move. I'm completely, you know, trapped in a hospital bed and my baby's not here. My partner's in pain. It's obviously completely different, you know, spiritually dying. But at the same time, there all similarities with that and even hospital actually I was like hell bent on my self-care and the nurses said to me, We've never met anyone like you because I would like make my bed in the mornings, but I can't move properly. I'm like, I'm, I'm doing my beds and I'm spraying my room spray. I'm trying to make the situation that I'm in a little bit better. So in terms of like being so, so unwell, I was still doing self-care, but just in different ways because it's so important to me and it makes me feel like.

Gemma Styles [00:22:44] Grace Yeah. I mean, that's amazing.

Grace Victory [00:22:47] Next moves.

Gemma Styles [00:22:50] I want to ask you as well during the kind of main bulk of our chat, because a lot of the questions that people send in to ask you, which I will ask you, some of them in a little bit were kind of around. The idea of how we kind of prioritise self-care, especially in the realm of, for example, parenting. I mean, I suppose it applies, you know, if you've got anyone who relies on you a kind of is dependent or you know, you need to look after someone. Yeah. The whole idea of sort of put your own oxygen mask on before you help someone else I think is true. Yeah, but also quite difficult. So as like as a mom, how have you kind of found are there any sort of tips that you could give people?

Grace Victory [00:23:36] Well, I struggle with that because I think because of what happened, I. Just so obsessed with my child. I give everything I have to him and for him. But one thing that I do, too, is I'm very strict on his bedtime. He's in bed asleep by about quarter to seven because I need my evening every single evening to myself. Mm hmm. And that could be really for myself in terms of I'm in my bedroom by myself. I'm watching YouTube video, I'm journaling, I run a bath. Or it could be if my partner and nurturing our relationship because what you become apparent. Your relationship does change. And that's one thing we didn't expect becoming a new mum. You have no energy for your partner anymore. It used to be just you two. And then suddenly, this beautiful baby's hair and you're like, Oh, I don't care about you anymore. You just. You just kind of forget that you actually have to nurture that relationship still. And it's very, very hard. So I do try to keep everything to myself so rarely what I might go and see a friend for dinner every now and then. I like to be home. I like to fill up my car because if I haven't done, you know, seven, 7 to 9 p.m. of just some me time the next day, I can't quite my brain doesn't work properly and tired, irritable. So one thing I've learnt is that. Two. To be a decent mom and a mom that I want to be. I have to fill up my car. I have to. Otherwise, I've got nothing to give. But in other areas, like meal times for myself, nutritious meals and spending time, you know, getting a massage and my nails done. I find difficult. But the evenings are mine and my therapy sessions and the other things that I don't tend to negotiate. But it is so hard. It's so, so hard. Especially single parents. I just don't know how my own mom did it because. Honestly, because kids are wild. Like if there's any power of this. Kids are wild. And it is so, so hard to kind of remember who you are. Outside of being a parent, because it's very easy just to fit on my mom and do mom things all the time. But actually you do need to do things that are just for you. But I honestly have no advice because I'm still learning. And I cypress my my child is six months, but I still feel like a new mom. Hmm. I'm still figuring out. I'm still also learning. So ask me again in about two years time.

Gemma Styles [00:26:38] Okay, well, we'll revisit. I think that's nice to hear anyway, because I do think, you know, sometimes it feels like everybody else has got all of this stuff figured out.

Grace Victory [00:26:47] Mean Yeah.

Gemma Styles [00:26:48] They often like and I think that's quite therapeutic to know at points. Anyway, I'm remembering that was one particular email question and it was a mum who was saying, you know, how do you kind of. Come back to yourself when your when you just physically don't have the time. So I think I think her example was, you know, when your child just like needs to be on you a particular moment. And she was, you know, as an introvert who just needs time away from people, but the person is physically on your body, kind of how do you sort of come back to your self? And it's I mean, it sounds like maybe you're more on the kind of introverted side if you need that time to yourself to recharge.

Grace Victory [00:27:28] I'm such an I'm so introverted. It's not even funny. Like, there are some days I just can't speak. Like, I just think, don't talk to me. They will call me. I can't. So I completely relate to that. And Cypress is the same. He wants to be on me all the time. And if you do start to feel touched out, like you're like, Oh, my God, months Mortensen touched, then I'm going to go mad. Oh, I completely get that. I think, like compassion for yourself and taking time out is sometimes like, I'll go to the toilet for 5 minutes, I'm sobbing away and I'm scrolling on tick tock and I'm like, I just need 5 minutes to myself because this is so great. This is amazing. But it is hard being being a parent. Well, I definitely think the evenings, how I kind of come home to myself and find solace and also actually my own mum, I call my mom and I'm like, Mum, I need you to have Cyprus for just half an hour, just an hour, because I'm going to go mad. I'm losing my mind. And I think the help is really, really vital, which I know can be quite hard because you do get mum guilt. And again, it's a privilege to have people around you that you trust with your child and always ask for help. Always. And I thought, no shame in that good.

Gemma Styles [00:28:56] I mean, I think that's quite a common thing as well, even if it isn't mum guilt, for example, but the kind of general feeling that taking that time for your own kind of self-care and you're just putting your own needs above anyone else's needs, whether that's, you know, your employer or colleagues or your child or your parent or like whoever you think needs you more. The sort of feeling selfish for your self-care kind of idea. How do we sort of get past that and realise that this is all worth doing and we need to do it?

Grace Victory [00:29:33] I think you go across all the noise, there's a lot of noise about what women should be doing, what parents and moms should be doing, and what and what our lives should look like. But actually, no. Do what makes you happy. Do what makes you feel good. Do it, makes you energised. Some people go on a run and that gives them that energy and they come home to themselves. I think running lot people can be quite meditative, but for me that's my worst nightmare.

Gemma Styles [00:30:03] I mean.

Grace Victory [00:30:04] I go for massage maybe. Yeah. So I think it's individual and do whatever you need to do and yet be selfish. I think there is a misconception that, like being selfish is really, really bad in some ways. You know, it can be in other ways so important for your own well-being to take time for yourself and. Just have no shame in that. And I think it does come with time and age and you get to a point where you don't care anymore and. Just wanna. What you need. You know, you've got your child. You've got your child or you've got a dog or, you know, your mom relies on you. This will with someone that needs you all the time. I think it's very important to remember that you. You also need you.

Gemma Styles [00:30:50] Yeah.

Grace Victory [00:30:51] And so, yes. Whatever brings you back to yourself, do more with that.

Gemma Styles [00:30:58] Every week. My guest and I will be answering your questions on the first one comes in from Camilla, who says, How do you know that you've found a good way to take care of yourself? Because I've tried millions of times and I still feel the same as before and feel like I can't see any progress in my wellbeing.

Grace Victory [00:31:15] So with wellbeing, we try all these different ways to make ourselves so happy. And actually happiness is very fleeting feeling. I mean, I don't feel happy all the time, but one thing that I try and work on is my peace. I think changing the narrative around wellbeing is really beneficial, so instead of trying to feel happiness, try to feel peace or try to feel present, and that is where you will find some degree of contentment, but also which I know is a privilege, is seeking therapy because sometimes we do have underlying issues in a cultures on wearables, you can try a million things, you can try acupuncture, you can try an outdoor swimming, cold, welcoming. I could try all these things. They just don't shift that niggling feeling of kind of like the clouds. And that's when I think seeing a therapist can help because you can't boys fix, you know, trauma with self-care. You can't fix, look, logical issues with football or exercise. You can't you've got to work through things and process. So that's why I would say thank you.

Gemma Styles [00:32:38] I feel like it kind of maybe even links into the next question. So next one is from Caspian, who says, I'm a huge advocate for self-care, but I find myself getting burnt out after one or two weeks.

Grace Victory [00:32:49] I mean.

Gemma Styles [00:32:50] What are some ways that help you stay in healthy habits and not get off track?

Grace Victory [00:32:54] Oh, that's a really good question. And accountability is quite good. And a lot of us self-sabotage. I know that's been a thing to me before through lack of boundaries. And a lot of us are aware about other people, but not with ourselves. And that's one thing that I would say to reinforce to work on is what I encountered with yourself. So for example, you can butt out, which means you're doing too much. So for me, I would be like, okay, I'm going to start going to bed an hour earlier and then you find yourself on tick tock for an extra 3 hours. You're like, Oh my God, I'm going to bed at midnight. I should go to bed at 9 p.m. That's self-sabotage. That's your own boundaries for yourself. So I would start there, start looking through boundaries and do small things. I think sometimes we fall into the trap of like thinking things have got to be really, really, really big to be impactful with actually small things daily can help massively. So burn out is, you know, giving yourself to other people way too much. So kind of take your energy back, take back your power and use that to, you know, feel your own fire.

Gemma Styles [00:34:15] Yeah. I mean, I was kind of like a combination of the last two questions. I feel like that's really, really relatable personally. Like, I'm definitely a self-sabotaging person. It makes me think so. I was I was looking kind of back at your Instagram before this recording and in your sort of wellness highlight, there was one slide why it was I think it was like a prompt you were using for journaling.

Grace Victory [00:34:38] Yep.

Gemma Styles [00:34:38] It was like write a list of things you do that make you feel shit and you keep doing them anyway. And I was like, Oh my God, I've just been attacked. Like, but that sort of thing of, you know, like you say, Oh, I should go to bed early, but then, you know, you stay on your phone for too long. I know these things are hard to do, but I also think maybe part of the background of those two questions might be when we try and do too much at once, when you kind of, you know, you might see a video of someone's like daily self-care routine and think, okay, I'm going to change my whole life tomorrow and go to six, do a meditation, make a green juice, do some yoga. And I'm going to do that every day for the rest of my life. And obviously, well, for anyone who's anything like me, that's way too many big changes to make and stick with all in one go. Yeah. So is it kind of about slowly building things in?

Grace Victory [00:35:33] Yes, absolutely. Slowly but surely daily. So for example, I like I only do meditation at the moment on the weekend because in the morning my child is just out of control. But on Saturday, when he naps, I take the time to meditate and a couple more. But right now I can't be asked. So, yeah, that's what I do. And, you know, every morning I take my vitamins, Cavs Elderberry, Elderberry and C Moss drink. And that's kind of like two things I tend to do every last because it's easy, manageable. I like doing it. Yeah, but before I had a child, I would do like, you know, incense burning, sage bathing, meditation, healing, music, journaling. And I had the time. But now it doesn't stop me because I haven't got the time and I can't be honest. So your daily habits, your rituals will change. Mm hmm. But it's important just to have something that's for you. Otherwise you will get by now.

Gemma Styles [00:36:45] Absolutely. Last question is from Katie, who says, I just wanted to ask you how you balance self-care with still being productive. I'm a first year college student, and I often feel like I'm either working too much or resting too much.

Grace Victory [00:37:00] I feel like. A lot of us feel this way. I think we talk from a young age. I think living in London, living in the UK, just doing watch. There is this grind culture. Like Work Hard, I could sleep sequel. I'm dead. I kind of like mean the easy going. Which I hate.

Gemma Styles [00:37:23] I mean so.

Grace Victory [00:37:24] Yeah. And so you war just to work every hour of the day that you possibly can. It's just not normal. It's been normalised. Government policies, the cost of living. We are constant on this hamster wheel to make enough money to survive or, you know, go to college, go to university to make it out of your hometown that you hate eccentricity. There's all these stories we tell ourselves, right? Actually. Resting is productive, and that's where you've got to change the narrative around rest. Resting isn't being lazy. It's, you know, it shouldn't be boring. It's actually a way for you to be able to work. You can't work day in, day out without rest. And I think changing that spectrum helps massively. Mhm. And you know, what does rest look like? Some people resting is lying down horizontally watching the show on Netflix and eating, which is what I love to do but actually rest for some people is seeing friends filling up their extroverted selves. Rest for them is going well a long walk the headphones in, you know, calling out all of the world rest of the noise. So I think maybe you just do things that were restful for you. You know, for me, I absolutely love the bath. That's how I breath. That's how I relax, work for my partner, rest for him is headphones in listening to music or watching a film. The phone will works for you and work through the guilt. There's a lot of guilt around, you know, a lot of women especially and girls. I think it's it's bad to rest. You have to work day in, day out, every hour of the day. But that objective movement being overly productive is not productive, which sounds so stupid, but it's so, so true. Yeah. You haven't got to work hard all the time. I think that's this. Energy that like life is going to be really hard to to matter and it doesn't. We all deserve a soft, joyous life, you know?

Gemma Styles [00:39:48] Yeah, definitely. It also it makes me think as well, because I feel like I've heard a lot of different conversations about this kind of thing. Like Carly Thorpe talks about this quite a lot where you kind of get into a space where in your head, if you're thinking, you know, self-care is giving myself time to rest, as we say, which means, you know, going very slowly and doing all these like very gentle things. Yeah. Sometimes if you kind of expand what you're thinking about, so you're thinking about rest. But when you incorporate self-care as more things. So part of self-care might be. Doing your homework. So, you know, you do your homework as a college student, I don't know. But, you know, that kind of thing where you're not just looking after yourself in that very, very gently, gently baseball me kind of way. But also, you know, trying to think that looking after yourself is actually doing things that are going to make your life easier and make your life better. And those things are, you know, again, hard to do and maybe not as like Ki or like Instagrammable, but.

Grace Victory [00:40:56] It.

Gemma Styles [00:40:56] Still is part of. Looking after yourself at the same time, I think.

Grace Victory [00:41:01] Maybe making your beds, having a home cooked meal, all these different things, living more wholesomely and more in tune with nature, I think is a very important thing. We we should be more like nature, you know, like we cyclic beings, we can be on and 100% all of the time. That's just not how we're meant to be. And yeah, I think we just deserve to show us as a bit more compassion. To be honest.

Gemma Styles [00:41:31] If you want to know about opportunities to send sending questions for upcoming guests, then follow us on Instagram or Twitter at good influence. G. S and email me at good influence pod at gmail.com. Before you go, I've got three things I ask every guest, and that's if listeners want to find out more about self-care and what we've been talking about. Could you please recommend us? Something to read, something to listen to and something to watch?

Grace Victory [00:41:58] Okay. Something to read. My own book. Great Codes, How to Call Me. It's all about how to live a more peaceful life. And it's a pocket sized book slash guide. You can read it in actually an hour probably. And but it's amazing work if I do see it myself as well.

Gemma Styles [00:42:20] You should.

Grace Victory [00:42:20] And yes, I talk about all my talks about self-care, different strands of wellbeing, physical, spiritual, emotional, and how you can cleanse your space, how you can. You know, with life energy, it's actually it's a really good work. And then secondly. I tell people to look back on their own journal and read your own journal because you're able then to reflect on yourself and able to see the pattern in, I don't know, Pokemon school thoughts and then see how far we've come as well. So that's one.

Gemma Styles [00:43:04] Thank you very much. Have you got anything to listen to or watch that you'd like?

Grace Victory [00:43:09] Yes, I do. So Brené Brown, I used to love everything she does and she has really good, I think, as a TED talk show that's on YouTube. And it's a talk on courage and what it means to be courageous and brave. And it's the most powerful, moving, inspirational thing I've ever seen. I literally love it. And since you also have an amazing podcast where she talks to celebrities, doctors, psychologists, all about courage, the mind and spirituality. What kind of stuff? And. And it's able to open your mind to things you really, really like. And then I also recommend listening to Colony's latest album, and it's called Blue Water Road. She's an R&B artist. It's an album about her healing with love and relationships. And if you want just like background music, you know, soft chill vibes, a really good album that kind of gets you in your feelings and and makes you, like, connect yourself on a deeper level.

Gemma Styles [00:44:32] Thank you for listening, and thank you to Grace for joining me. If you enjoyed the episode, I'd love you to subscribe to the podcast on whichever platform you're using and really appreciate if you've got an extra minute, you can leave us a rating and review as well. Your views make a big difference and help other people find the podcast. See you next week.