As I chatted about on Instagram during Mental Health Awareness Month, I think we might be hitting a saturation point in certain areas of conversation surrounding mental health, especially when it comes to anxiety and depression. Given that those are the two types of mental illness that I’ve mostly suffered from myself, I know that there’s a reason we still need to talk about these issues and not take them lightly whatsoever — but there comes a point where more than awareness is needed. We’ve been talking about depression and anxiety for a long time now, and while things are still very difficult whether that’s in true societal understanding or accessing treatment, the level of conversation and acceptance of those conditions certainly seems to have improved in the past few years. Where we’re still behind in awareness is in other areas and other types of mental illness — including but not limited to the diagnoses you’ll read about below.

Something I can do with my platform is to help amplify the voices of others. I hope that by sharing these accounts of mental illness directly from the wonderful human beings who were generous enough to share them with us, you might leave this page with just slightly more insight into their experiences. I appreciate them sharing so much.

If you want to continue to learn more about different mental illnesses or feel in need of some support after reading, there are a few options of resources at the end of this post. Please take care of yourself.

Conditions mentioned

Psychosis
OCD
Anorexia
Bulimia
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
Trichotillomania
Selective Mutism
Hypochondria
ARFID
Body Dysmorphia
Derealisation and Depersonalisation (DP/DR)
Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder
Bipolar
Binge Eating Disorder
PTSD
Panic Disorder

Psychosis

by Jen

Psychosis. What does this word mean to you?  What feelings or thoughts does it evoke? Fear? Confusion? Ambivalence?

It is funny that these emotions are similar to the feelings that one experiences during an acute episode of psychosis. If it is such a negative and contradictory experience looking from the outside in, can you imagine how it must feel like to be in the midst of such a storm?

I am writing about psychosis because we need to talk more about this common but all too often misunderstood condition.

For me, it started gradually. This creeping disintegration of your mind is part of psychosis's insidious nature. One moment, you are sane and in the final year of your Politics degree, applying for Master's degrees and jobs. Next, you not only believe that the security services are monitoring your every text, call, or move but that they have installed cameras in your home because, by this stage, you have watched too many episodes of Homeland. My delusions reflected the anxieties of our age; social media, terrorism and hypochondria. 

You might now be wondering what caused or, more aptly, what triggered my episode of psychosis. To attribute a causal effect to such a severe and complex condition is both reductive and unhelpful. However, in hindsight, my psychosis occurred after a period of intense stress during my early twenties. It is common for mental illness to develop during these formative years because your prefrontal cortex does not stop growing until you are at least twenty-five years old.  

An internal war is what psychosis is, from my experience, at least. As in all conflicts, there are winners and losers and a certain amount of damage in between. The losses that accompany such a war of attrition - the grinding down of what is and isn't real in your life - makes it such a complex condition to come to terms with.  Losing your close friendships, losing your academic or professional life and most significantly losing your former, functioning, self-respecting self. The latter is the most challenging loss of all. How do you begin to reconcile your three selves - before, during and after - following the infinite blackness of this irrational, incongruous and insane beast? How do you find a resolution to this exhausting battle within your mind?

You come out of the fog of this war eventually, if you are lucky and have responded well to treatment; that is if you have even gained access to the proper treatment at the right time. However, winning the war with the help of an army of people - Nurses, Occupational Therapists, Psychologists and Psychiatrists, to name but a few - does not mean that peace will inevitably follow. Following remission of your illness, you enter recovery, the grieving process. You grieve for who you once were, grieve for who you could have been and grieve for all the people you have lost along the way.

This is where I have found the immense value of psychotherapy. Sure, I must take my daily medication to keep my brain chemically intact, but as any good psychiatrist will tell you, it is therapy that will help to heal your mind. Medicine can only take you so far, to the point where you can benefit from a competent therapist.

Truthfully, I was deeply sceptical of therapy for a long time. I felt as though I didn't deserve it or that I had not been through enough in life to afford the privilege of speaking regularly to a professional about my inner-most thoughts and feelings. I was wrong. Everyone deserves to talk, psychotic or not. Furthermore, it is often easier talking about the shame and guilt of psychosis with a trained professional than to your nearest and dearest, who you do not want to worry or upset.

There may well be more storms in the future, more conflicts within my psyche, but for now, I am well. I am free. I am alive.  

OCD

by Nina

I have ummd and ahhhd about writing you this email for days now. Part of me longs to speak out about my experience with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but part of me is also terrified. I was diagnosed with OCD when I was 17, and as a 21 year old now, I can still count on both hands how many people I’ve actually told. It petrifies me. And the reason it does so is because of the stigma surrounding my condition.

For years I have watched OCD be used not only incorrectly but in a simultaneously harmful way. To say you have OCD is conflated with sayings such as ‘I like things neat and tidy’, or ‘I just have to have my pens in rainbow coloured order!’ Or imagery of washing ones hands constantly.’ And some of these things are true or common in those with OCD, but they do not and never have defined the condition, despite what we have been taught. When I first spoke to my family about seeking help, someone very close to me said ‘Nina you can’t have OCD, have you seen the state of your bedroom?’ as if the clothes on the floor and the make up brushes spewed across my desk countered my intrusive and debilitating thoughts. This is such a common misconception about OCD that I didn’t seek help for years because I didn’t think someone like me could have it. But I did, and I do. And I am trying to take the time to truly accept it as part of me.

I know a lot of people don’t want to be defined by their mental health, (and for valid reasons!) and it’s not really that I do feel defined by OCD but rather I am learning to take the label as a comfort rather than an enemy. I have OCD. It sucks. It can be so scary, so overwhelming and so all consuming. But I have it and that is okay. 

I have so much anger within me directed at the depiction of OCD within societies today. I am, candidly speaking, raging. I’m angry because I didn’t get diagnosed earlier because of what I thought OCD to be. And I’m angry because I know there are hundreds of people out there feeling so lost and so scared. But I know I can’t just keep being angry, I want and I need to do something with that anger. And this is why I am writing to you, because I want people to know that they don’t have to be scared, that there are so many people out there who want to fight this fight with you. And that is something I am truly proud of.

Anorexia (Atypical)

Anonymous

The mental health sickness I am dealing with is atypical anorexia. It is called atypical just because I am not underweight. My body may be very damaged, I'm talking loss of period, hair falling out, constantly feeling cold, heart rate around 45, but in most peoples eyes there is nothing wrong with it because I am not skinny enough. Anorexia is a mental disorder not a body one but it is percived through a prism of one’s weight. I can be lightheaded all the time but the thing I hear most often is "wow, you look so good now" now because I lost some weight, "you look so healthy, tell me your tips" — I don't look healthy I am just skinnier than I was, but that equals being healthy in our society. It is SO hard to recover when you are constantly being told that you look good now — now when you are starving yourself. So if I can ask you to say this out loud, to all the people in the back - please, PLEASE do NOT comment on someone’s weight. Being skinny does not equal healthy and being fat does not equal being sick. Also please do not comment on others food choices, a person that is on the heavier side eating in public is being laughed at by people passing, "oh thats why you are fat" but maybe it is the only thing that the person is going to eat today? Maybe your comment will make them starve themselves? Eating disorders come in every shape and size and in all shapes and sizes they are deadly, so please spread awareness.

Bipolar Disorder II

by Izzy

My name is Izzy and I have Bipolar Disorder 2. Bipolar 2 is different for everyone, but for me, it causes cycles of depression and hypomania in a shorter span of time. I’ve had issues with anxiety ever since I was a child, and they persisted throughout my life. The older I got, the more my mental health declined, unfortunately. During my sophomore year of high school I started medication for the first time to treat anxiety. It helped tremendously but after awhile, it stopped working for me. I switched medications once more two years later, and the same thing happened. Worked for awhile- then stopped again. During my senior year of high school, I finally saw a new psychiatrist. It isn’t that my past mental health diagnosis was wrong, but there just seemed to be something more serious going on with me. I was finally diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder the summer after senior year of high school, and what a confusing, yet relieving, time that was. I was 18 and this was such a heavy thing to be told. There it was: my answer as to why I am the way that I am. Bipolar Disorder is crippling. It ruins relationships and parts of yourself before you know that it does. It is destructive in ways that go unnoticed. Before I was diagnosed and got the proper treatment, everyone close to me knew that something was off. I would be so happy one moment and then immediately upset or angry the next. It happened so fast and so much that there was no excuse for it, and quite frankly, others were becoming annoyed with me just as much as I was becoming annoyed with myself. I did not know what was going on either, which made things ten times worse. My undiagnosed and untreated bipolar was a lot for me to handle, but it was also a lot for those closest to me to handle as well. No one deserves to take on the full weight of an issue quite as big as this, and when you are young and unaware of how to take care of yourself, it can ruin relationships. Not everyone will understand, and not everyone has to, but that is one thing in my past that I regret the most- letting bipolar disorder get in between me and others close to me.

So what’s it like?

Bipolar Disorder is not fun. Sure, my hypomanic states can be fun and full of happiness and energy, but that is not the whole picture. No one realizes that it is a constant everyday battle of happiness, anger, and sadness for me. I can be having the most amazing time one moment, and then the next I can be instantly angry or upset just like that. There is no limit to how many times I experience this in a day or a week. Now that I am on the proper medication and partaking in therapy, my mood swings are more level-headed. It can still be an everyday occurrence, but it is now on a more day-to-day basis, thankfully. What people do not realize is how utterly tiring this is. It gets old really quick. It may not be so bad for a little bit of your life, but then you start to wonder, “why can I not just enjoy this?” or “why am I upset tonight? I had the best day earlier and the best night last night. There is no reason for me to be so upset right now”. I ask myself these questions all of the time, over and over again. Sometimes I find answers and other times, there is no explanation. I almost feel as though I am constantly betraying myself with my emotions. Something can be so amazing and gratifying only for my next day to be horrible, thinking that nothing ever works out for me. When I am happy for days consistently, I find myself asking, “when am I going to start being depressed again? I have had too many good days in a row”. What kind of way is that to live? I find myself not being able to enjoy the happy times as much as I should because I am bracing myself for the next “down” period. It is a constant, vicious cycle that never seems to end. When things are going well and I find myself in a hypomanic state, others are able to notice. All of my close friends seem to be experts at knowing when I am hypomanic and when I am depressed. I am fun to be around when I am hypomanic. I get loud, I talk a lot, everything is so interesting to me, I want to go and do absolutely anything and everything all at once, and I never want to stop moving. I am funny and energetic and everyone gets a kick out of it. When I am depressed, I lose all optimism and go straight to the negative conclusions for everything. I think that nothing will ever work out for me, I am not cut out for what I am doing, no one likes me, and that no one will ever love me. I also get irritable. This is something that I hate the most about being bipolar. Something minor may happen that throws me off, and I instantly become angry and irritated at everyone and everything. I hate this so much because I generally try to stay as positive as I can about most things in life. It is like an avalanche; something small happens and instantly everything causes anger and irritation to rise up in me and I feel helpless about it.

Thankfully, my friends and family are understanding about my Bipolar Disorder. They understand my struggles, support me, love me, care for me, and do not treat me any different. That is not to say that I have not faced others who are incredibly rude and not understanding. I have been told before that no one will ever want to be friends with me because I am bipolar, that I am exaggerating, and that it is no big deal. I have been told that I owe others an explanation and disclaimer that I am bipolar before they get to know me, because “how else are you supposed to explain the way you are if they don’t know you have bipolar disorder”. My disorder has been invalidated by some of the people closest to me in many different ways through jokes, jabs, and rude comments. Even worse, it is a hot spot for jokes and comedy universally. No one knows what it truly means to be bipolar because it has been watered down to simply being considered, “mood swings”, or it is exaggerated to an extreme in thriller movies. The term “bipolar” seems to have made its way into everyones vocabulary at least once in their life, and it is most likely not out of good intent. It is not anyones fault individually, but instead, society as a whole. We have made it okay to use this term as a description for someone who becomes suddenly angry, for the weather, for someone experiencing normal mood swings, etc.. Bipolar Disorder is not widely understood or accepted as “normal”. I know one other person who has Bipolar Disorder, but other than that, I have never met anyone else with this illness. People are afraid to speak up, and for good reason. I am afraid to be speaking up right now because so many people do not take this disease seriously. It is a joke to many people as well as a common phrase in others vocabulary. It hurts more than you know to sit back and watch people say that they are manic because they cleaned their entire room in one day. I am happy that they have accomplished that, but it is not mania. I have sat back many times with my mouth shut during a conversation where someone has said, “I swear to god he's bipolar” or something similar. No one understands how hard that is to hear when you already feel alienated enough. Even with my amazing support system, I am constantly feeling invalidated and unheard. I feel scared and shameful when I explain to someone that I am bipolar. I feel weak, but I shouldn’t. There is nothing weak about having a mental illness. There is nothing weak about seeking help and treatment or speaking out about something as serious as Bipolar Disorder. We need to start taking it seriously and we need to start raising awareness. It is just as important as every other mental illness and everyone deserves to be heard.

People with Bipolar Disorder are not scary and we should not be a laughing point in conversations, nor should our disorder be a way to describe someones behavior. If everyone took the time to educate themselves and understand what being bipolar truly means, it would not be so taboo.

Binge Eating Disorder (BED)

by Nadine

I have Binge Eating Disorder. BED was first classified in the DSM-5 in 2013, but I struggled with food long before that. It's the most common ED in the United States, but gets markedly less attention than other eating disorders. Typically, BED manifests itself as 'recurring and persistent episodes of binge eating,' which means that a lot of people diagnosed with BED are overweight (but definitely not all!)

I can't speak for others but when it happens to me, it's a trance like state that's very difficult to stop once started. For me, binges are triggered primarily by emotional distress, stress, fatigue and restriction. For years I'd challenge myself to go as long as possible without eating and then completely lose control later in the day.

One reason this disorder is so hard to beat, is that behaviour which triggers binges (undereating) is often encouraged, especially in overweight people. This means that many people with BED get stuck in a spiral of restricting and bingeing, and tend to struggle losing weight for this reason.

I've carried this with me for a decade now, and always felt so deeply ashamed. Telling people you have an eating disorder when you're fat often invites nasty comments or disbelief. People already have this image that all overweight people sit at home stuffing their faces, and I never want to contribute to that image of myself. What people often don't understand about BED is the pain and distress that comes with each binge, and the negative spiral surrounding the whole act. There have been many days where I've broken down just at the thought of having to eat, and later binged to the point of tears.

I consider myself to be recovering, at this stage, after extensive therapy and a lot of hard work! It's not all doom and gloom :) I wanted to share this with you because I think we often have an image of eating disorders as a very one dimensional diagnosis that looks a certain way. People of all shapes and sizes can suffer from EDs, and generally, treating those people in our lives with compassion is the best way to help them live full healthy lives despite their ED.

DEREALISATION AND DEPERSONALISATION (DP/DR)

BY FER

About 5 years ago I started struggling with dissociation after a series of unfortunate events. But as time went by, things became much more complicated for me. I couldn't understand why my surroundings seemed dream-like and why I felt like my voice wasn't mine. I struggled to focus on even the simplest of tasks and I avoided going out as everything once familiar now felt unknown and weird to me. It was like my own mind was holding me captive and it became too much, I needed answers because I also needed my life back. I wanted to stop feeling like I was wearing a skin-tight suit that prevented me from touching and connecting with everything and everyone around me.

I started looking up my symptoms and tried to describe what I felt until I came across with the term dissociation. Most websites claimed the same thing: dissociation is a form of self-defense to keep the person safe from a traumatic experience, a side-effect of anxiety and depression among other disorders. The only researched disorder within the dissociative spectrum is Dissociative Identity Disorder but as I instigated on the topic, and tried to piece together my feelings, I came upon the terms Derealization and Depersonalization (DP/DR) which are a part of the dissociative umbrella, it was named and referred to as "disorders" though in my years of therapy I've been told over and over that this is a consequence of anxiety and depression but I also tried to reinforce the fact that to me this is chronic and not just episodes triggered by bad mental health days.

In the early days of accepting that this was a part of me now, I joined support groups in hopes of not feeling as alone, I looked for a way to navigate my feelings through other's experiences and I felt more than left out as people celebrated that their episodes were over and that they were feeling better, that they hadn't had an episode in a long time and I was curious as to how someone else had figured out how to switch off this mechanism sitting at the back of their head! I spoke to various people who recommended meditation and breathing exercises, working out and trying medication but there wasn't any luck for me.

Over these years I've tried everything available to me. I'm currently on medication for a newly diagnosed epileptic disorder (that's really minimal and has no effects on me physically) and I was very happy to know that the medication I'm on is also prescribed to attempt to treat DP/DR, it's helped me maintain a bit of stability though it hasn't really helped me with the constant detachment. We still have a long way to go as research on this is minimal but as long as we keep talking about it more and more, maybe we'll get there sooner.

This is a recurrent thing to me that I have to fight it every day. Sometimes it gets very very very scary as waking up detached from your surroundings or suddenly feeling unable to feel your own body can be very overwhelming. Having a chat with a friend is also anxiety inducing for me as I'm scared my mind might drift off because tuning back into a conversation is a struggle and asking someone to repeat themselves can often come across as disrespectful but then going into the whole story is also a hassle. My life has been drastically changed by this disorder and I'm somehow thankful that modern technology is here since everything I text or everything people say to me is right here sitting in my hand, it's very helpful as I struggle a lot with my memory. I've learned to be more organised and I take notes on everything since I'm not good at paying attention or remembering things. I've tried to befriend this disorder, to make myself believe that I'm safe and that I can take on the world by myself now, that I'm strong enough. I want whoever is reading this to know that though it might be scary at first, to think you're floating over your head or to be sitting in a cinema room watching a film of your own life, you'll be okay. You're real, you're here, you're loved and you'll be okay.

I'm very lucky that the people around me are very understanding and willing to listen. Whenever I've told a friend about my disorder they often look at me like I'm making things up but as I share my story more and more they know that things have changed, that things are different for me and even though most of them can't relate to what I'm feeling they know they can offer a shoulder or a couple minutes to talk about it, to listen and to learn about it. I promise there's someone in your life willing to listen. Even if it may be scary to open up like this for the first time, your burden becomes lighter when you share the weight.

borderline personality disorder (BPD)

by Luna

I just wanted to share a brief insight into my life as someone with borderline personality disorder, also known as BPD. This personality disorder (along with my major depressive disorder and other mental health issues) impacts my life every day and it’s often hard to relay the struggle that comes with this illness to others. It’s primarily categorized by an ongoing pattern of fluctuating moods, self images, and behaviors. It often comes with a debilitating fear of abandonment that can lead to intense unstable relationships, impulsive and often self-destructive behaviors, and highly changing moods that also accompany feelings of emptiness or bouts of anger. 

BPD is a very complex disorder to diagnose because there’s so much stigma surrounding it, mental health professionals often won’t diagnose it so they don’t have to find a way to treat it. Couple that with other mental health issues, as BPD often does not ride solo in a person’s mind, and a mental health professional might be even more stumped to try to pinpoint each symptom with each illness. People with BPD are often seen as “untreatable”, because of the high intensity emotional changes that could make them eager to get help one day, then feel completely disconnected from their care the next. When someone’s self worth and mood can change so variably, it can make them resistant to treatment. It also often gets confused with bipolar disorder, and some people with BPD get wrongly diagnosed and therefore receive the wrong treatment. 

Borderline personality disorder is also associated with a significantly higher rate of self-harm and suicidal behavior than the general public, so you can imagine the risk that comes with misdiagnosis or lack of adequate treatment when someone really needs it. 

I struggle with all of these aspects of the disorder; the emotional irregularities being my primary demon. It’s so frustrating to live a life where it feels like you can’t anticipate how you’ll be feeling, or that the idea of if you’re going to have a good day or a bad day feels like it’s totally up to chance. I also struggle heavily with the self-image aspects, constantly asking myself “Do I really like this thing? Or have I just convinced myself I do?” Hobbies and personal interests are ever changing because rarely do I find something that sticks or makes me feel like I’m being truly authentic when I’m participating in it. Unfortunately I’ve also fallen victim to the self-destructive behaviors and have a long history with self-harm and suicidal ideation. This isn’t unique to BPD, but I think some of these can be exacerbated by the constant emotional changes and instability of self. One of the other symptoms I experience is dissociation, or more specifically for me, derealization. It can be best described as feeling like I’m in a first-person video game, where my environment feels almost two-dimensional and for sure doesn’t feel real. I sometimes feel like I’m looking through someone else’s eyes, watching my life through the lenses of a game or a movie. It’s a terrifying feeling to shift in and out of reality and struggle to stay grounded in the moment. I’ve lost a lot of memories from experiencing this, or the memories I have sometimes feel like remembering a scene from a movie rather than something I can really put myself back in. The reason I bring this up is that there’s a lack of transparency about BPD because all of these symptoms together can make it seem like a “crazy” illness, especially since medical professionals have been gatekeeping and stigmatizing its treatment. I’ve gone to multiple therapists and psychiatrists who have not been able to find adequate treatment for me or have told me that there’s “no way to treat some of what I deal with” (direct quote from the psychiatrist who I first opened up to about derealization). 

I want people to learn more about BPD, and how it affects the people who have it, especially if that person is looking to receive care for their mental health. I want people to ask respectful questions about what it’s like to experience the symptoms of BPD, and how they can better help someone in their life who’s dealing with this disorder. There’s so many things that come up when you google “borderline personality disorder” that peg all of us as abusers, loveless, and unworthy. I want that narrative to change as people learn more about the intricacies of the illness and see it for what it truly is. I want medical professionals in the mental health field to dedicate more time and energy into research around borderline personality disorder to provide better, more long-standing treatment. Overall, I want mental health care to be more accessible to those who need it, especially the folks who deal with the disorders or illnesses that aren’t as common as depression or anxiety. 

Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (pmdd)

by Jen

My name is Jen, and I live with premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD). This disorder can, in the simplest of terms, be defined as a very severe case of PMS. Now, I know what you’re thinking. PMS? Like when women get their periods? A severe case? Please. 

Trust me. You have no idea. 

I have been on so many different types of birth control trying to get this under control, and it’s only now, in a few weeks, that I’m going to be stopping my period entirely in order to find a way to live with this disorder. Every month comes with such intense dread, ‘what will happen this time?’, ‘what will I think?’, but even more frightening: ‘what will I do?’

I always know when it’s coming. It creeps in a little at a time, this overwhelming emptiness, this need to harm myself, an eventual drift into suicidal thoughts. And then it explodes. The crying spells aren’t just crying spells; they’re screaming spells. The cramps aren’t just cramps; they’re knives to the stomach. The mood swings aren’t just mood swings; they’re out of control, up and down faster than I can keep up with, emotional whiplash. The bad thoughts aren’t just thoughts; they become actions. 

In 2017, for 5 out of approximately 12 periods that year, I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital. Once was because I actively tried to commit suicide. The desire and need to escape from the pain is all-consuming. Every bad thing I’ve ever lived through, every little mistake, every inconvenience and negativity and I explode like you’d never believe.

And this happens every single month. 

I’m tired of hearing that women are too emotional or over the top when they get their periods. I’m tired of hearing that it’s her “time of the month”. I’m tired of being judged for something I cannot control. It’s not just PMS. It’s hell.

OCD

by Laney

I debated on not writing in because I’m sure there are many better and bigger stories to be told, but I wanted to share my perspective as a parent of a young child with severe OCD. My name is Laney Haverkamp, and my daughter Joey has been facing her OCD diagnosis head on for the past three years.

Hearing family and friends and the general public make comments of “oh I’m so OCD about this” makes my little 7 year old daughter so elated. Yet it breaks my heart every time. She is so thrilled that someone else has OCD and not just her, she doesn’t know that’s not what they mean; recently she overheard a parent make a comment about how “OCD” her daughter was about something, she came running to me with a huge smile on her face. “(Name) has OCD just like me, I have a friend who has it too!”. I then had to explain to her that her friend does not have it and her mom was just making a comment using OCD as a verb. Why is it a joke or a laughing matter to so many? Why is it a verb? Having to explain to my daughter that what she struggles with every single minute of her life is something other people use to describe being particular or stubborn or as a joke is heart wrenching. Her face drops each time, she cries, she doesn’t understand it. This diagnosis of OCD is something she sees a psychiatrist for once a month, something she works on with her therapist every other week, something she takes daily medications to help her control a controlling diagnosis. It causes tantrums and tears and exasperation from all of us, and yet still to general society it is just a descriptive word or an action. Knowing my daughter will always have OCD, I do hope that one day when she tells people they won’t just assume it’s a personality trait, or something to laugh off. I hope they realize the constant fight she faces, the incredible amount of bravery she shows each day, the fear she deals with on how it will affect her actions. I also hope people recognize OCD is not always constant counting and hand washing and organizing. Mental health diagnosis are rarely always what people assume from their armchair knowledge, there are so many layers and ways that a mental health diagnosis can change someone’s life. As a parent I just hope people take the time to understand the diagnosis of OCD in my daughter, and learn what that means for her. I hope they do this with every person in their life diagnosed with something, learn the diagnosis, learn how to affects that person specifically, and learn to stop using diagnosis as a verb.

PTSd

by Katie

I have lived with depression and anxiety for all of my teenage and adult life, although I was only recently diagnosed last September. I was also diagnosed with PTSD at that point too.

Although I knew I was struggling, I had never really thought that I could be living with PTSD. For me, it felt like something only war veterans suffered from and I didn’t know an awful lot about it. I feel like PTSD in general is really overlooked, and often people don’t realise they’re suffering from PTSD because they feel their issues aren’t ‘bad enough’.

I had weekly therapy session for about 8 months to help me regain some control over my life. I was really spiralling and had no idea how to manage my day to day life.

I struggled a lot with reoccurring nightmares but my main issue was the fear of something bad happening again. It would make me feel nervous and anxious. I lost a lot of confidence within myself which has impacted my personal relationships and my career.

I think when I entered therapy I assumed my life would be ‘normal’ afterwards, but it doesn’t work like that. It’s not something that necessarily goes away, it’s something you learn to control and manage.

Trichotillomania

By Faye

My name is Faye Allego, I am seventeen years of age, and I wanted to share my experiences living with Trichotillomania as a teenager and how that affects my daily life and the anxieties I face as it is a mental disorder that not many people are aware of.

By dictionary definition, Trichotillomania is a mental disorder that is closely related to OCD and anxiety. It is considered an Impulse Control Disorder, and it causes an individual to pull out their hair in order to relieve stress and anxieties. An individual with Trichotillomania can pull hair from any part of their body (their eyelashes, head hair, arm hair, etc.) and this will provide a sense of satisfaction (similar to scratching an itch).

Growing up as an only child with a single mother, I developed separation anxiety whenever my mum was away for work, I wouldn't sulk or throw tantrums, I would have this unbearable urge to pull on my eyelashes in order to distract myself from getting worried and this continued on since the age of twelve. As I grew older, the balding spots on my eyelashes were starting to appear more obvious which inevitably concerned them.
At events and different occasions where I would have to interact with adults and kids my age, I would get comments like "you look sick" and "did you stop chemo?" often because of the random balding spots that would now appear on my scalp, eyebrows, and eyelashes. It was until I learned about Trichotillomania in my middle school health class. I asked counselors and psychologists I knew about this and was later diagnosed with this disorder. I learned the different coping mechanisms and most importantly, I learned that physically healing may seem easy, but all forms of healing are not linear.

When I was on my very lowest point, I would pick on my eyelashes until I barely had any left, I also had to deal with the very harmful societal beauty standards the internet portrays on young girls like me, this created a domino effect because the more I couldn't "fit in" these unrealistic beauty standards, the urges to rip my hair out would increase, and then I would spiral into this epitome of stress and depression because I had developed a mindset that had turned into self harm.

Although I have a very mild case of Trichotillomania, the impact of bullying and unrealistic beauty standards having a heavy influence on my twelve year old self had lowered my self esteem, which later would affect how I viewed myself in my teenage years. The urges of me pulling my hair due to stress had later become an unendurable habit because I felt as though I would never be "good enough".

I strongly believe that Trichotillomania is a mental health disorder that should be talked about more often because I've seen people my age have severe cases of trichotillomania and get bullied online and in real life for something they cannot control easily and takes a great amount of effort to cope with.

ARFID (Eating Disorder)

Anonymous

I have an eating disorder called ARFID, which stands for avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder. It’s a much lesser known eating disorder and it doesn’t look like many other eating disorders. It’s different for every person, but from what I know it has nothing to do with body image, but instead to do with texture or smell, or taste, or even color. For me, I don’t know exactly what my deal is, my entire life I’ve found it extremely difficult to try new foods, I can’t pinpoint what exactly it is that makes me feel that way, but whenever I do try to a huge wave of anxiety comes over me. It affects me every day, trying to find something to eat, or trying to make plans to get food from somewhere that has food I’ll eat. It even affects my work as a grocery store cashier, as I have a hard time touching a lot of the produce, bags of salad, and certain drinks. Treatment for ARFID is pretty hard to come by, as the diagnosis is fairly new. I did briefly pursue treatment over the summer and early fall of this past year, but it was expensive, and I didn’t know if I would be going back to school for the spring semester, plus I would have to drop the therapist I’ve been seeing for years for my depression and anxiety and start all over again. At this point I’ve decided to postpone treatment until after I graduate, but I don’t know how long treatment will take, and it’s very pricey. If there’s anything I want people to take away from this is that ARFID exists, and not to judge people for being picky eaters or comment on what, or how much they are eating.

Bulimia & Body Dysmorphia

by Haley

Something that many people fail to realize about eating disorders in general is that it affects different people of all ages, races, weights, sizes and genders. Many people tend to question the “Validity” of your mental illness simply based of appearance and their own personal assumptions of what an eating disorder “Should look like”. The same perception even goes for those with eating disorders, I constantly would question my own mental illnesses’ validity. Regardless if someone is a certain size or weight, they are still dealing with the same illness, and facing the same struggles.

Body dysmorphia and eating disorders walk hand in hand. I recall looking in the mirror and feeling like my body had been the same throughout my whole battle. As for my peers, they could see my mental and physical health drastically changing. Body dysmorphia “fogs” our perception of ourselves and the world around us. I remember being almost completely unable to look in a mirror or at a photo of myself without having an anxiety attack. My obsessiveness over my own body image and weight had quite literally changed everything I saw.

Eating disorders are competitive, and media feeds off of it. So many people are exposed to fad diets and media that encourage only one type of body. The spectrum of inclusivity seems to only be getting smaller and now more so than ever with social media being at our fingertips. In my personal recollection, I had fallen into a bad group of peers whom encouraged toxic behaviors and habits regarding weight loss. It had eventually grown into an unspoken competition to see who could reach a certain “goal” the fastest. The media also encourages the same behaviors without us even realizing it. Advertisements for weight loss products, diets, etc are almost everywhere. To add onto that, specific body types and standards are glorified by the media in magazines, television, and other social medias. It’s almost like they (the media) is constantly setting a race with a finish line that nobody can cross.

Lastly I would like to end on the topic of recovery. Recovery differs between person to person. For me, I was fortunate enough to recover by moving to a completely new and positive environment with a consistent schedule that helped me relearn healthy eating habits. Though, I do believe that recovery will be always ongoing. I will always be learning new coping mechanisms, identifying my intrusive thoughts/triggers and retraining my mind. Bulimia completely reshaped my relationships with food, myself, and habits. Although I am no longer suffering from the mental illness as actively as I once was, there are still some days that the fact I have had/have an eating disorder is at the forefront of my mind. For many on the outside of this mental illness, the idea of recovery means that our relationship with food has been completely restored. It’s important to stay conscientious of avoiding encouragement negative conversation and habits to people whom have eating disorders. Even a simple-seeming comment about calories, or body image can cause a trigger. It may not always be preventable, but with awareness, education and positive conversation we can help each other find ways to shed light on the misunderstanding of eating disorders and other mental illnesses.

panic disorder

by Tabitha

Panic Disorder occurs when you experience random, unexpected panic attacks. They come out of nowhere. So many people I know have never even had a panic attack, let alone 1-5 panic attacks a day like I do. My chest tightens, I can’t breathe, it’s almost as if everything around me disappears. When these occur I have to distance myself, and get into a cold, dark room. I’ve had to explain this my child; he only understands that I get “headaches” and need a moment alone. For me, this disorder is a direct result of my severe anxiety. I can be doing mundane activities such as doing laundry, washing dishes, watching tv, and still get a panic attack out of nowhere. When my body doesn’t necessarily recognise that I’m anxious, it recognises that I should be panicking.

I live in constant fear of having a panic attack. If I have to drive anywhere I fear getting a panic attack and having to figure out how to handle it in the middle of the road; if I play with my kid, I fear having a panic attack and having to explain it. Ironically, these fears are also panic attack inducing.

I want to bring awareness to Panic Disorder. I have it, but so do so many other people in the world and no one talks about it. Many people haven’t even heard of it.

Hypochondria

by Linn

My name is Linn, I’m from Germany and I’m 16 years old. What I also am is a hypochondriac. I would really like to share my story and educate people about Hypochondria.

For the people who are not familiar with Hypochondria: Hypochondria is an anxiety disorder. People who suffer from it are abnormally anxious about their health. If we feel any type of unknown physical actions or pain, we automatically assume that we have a serious illness. We constantly check our bodies, scared of finding a new wound or an unknown bruise, which would indicate that we might be sick. A lot of us go to doctors weekly, just in case the other doctor might have overseen something.

In my case, the illness I’m afraid of is cancer.

A lot of people don’t get that we know that our fear of illnesses is unreasonable. We know that there is a low chance that we’re actually sick. We also know that it sounds crazy if we try to explain it: “If you basically know that you’re not ill, why do you have that anxiety?”

Well, why does anyone have a specific type of mental health condition? For myself I can say that my hypochondria has developed because of unprocessed trauma. A lot of my family members have died because of cancer, including my dad when I was 12. I would lay in bed at night, questioning my mortality, driving myself crazy, counting my days, not having anyone to relate to or talk to, since I didn’t want to be a burden to my family. Back then, therapy wasn’t really a thing one would talk about and neither did I nor anyone in my surroundings knew or had experiences with it, so I simply didn’t go, leaving myself with a baggage of trauma.

Last year I finally started going to therapy after a close friend of mine who is 18 was diagnosed with cancer.

I can most definitely say that my Hypochondria has developed to the better. I can finally resist the urge to constantly check my body. I can finally go outside without being scared of people telling me that I look pale or tired. I can finally talk about cancer without feeling triggered. I can finally set my mind at ease, knowing that everything is and will be alright. I can finally enjoy life.

Please, always take it seriously when a close friend, a family member or anyone of your acquaintances gives you any kind of sign that they might be hypochondric. Please, always take it seriously. Please, never joke about it. Please, never downplay it.

selective mutism

anonymous

I’d like to share my experience with a social anxiety disorder I’ve never heard spoken about or met others who have been diagnosed with. Along with depression and anxiety I have something called Selective Mutism.  Contrary to what the name suggests, there is no choice in it.  You literally freeze in social situations and have internal blocks that physically prevent you from speaking.  This is not something that happens once in a while, but on every occasion where a child is not in an environment with only the people they are closest with (i.e.: immediate family inside their home).  Although I’ve read up about it, I’ve never actually met anyone else who has it or heard anyone else speak about it.  It is more common in children than adults (1 in 140 young adults), and more common in girls than boys.  As far as I’ve been able to research, there is no known cause for it.  Most children can outgrow it, but it can go into adulthood (as in my case).  It is often misunderstood and interpreted as extreme shyness or a child acting out.  With SM you mentally want to speak, but you physically can’t.  Only you’re the only one that knows this is happening.  Imagine Ariel trying to speak to Prince Eric, minus the singing fish.

As a child, when I was first starting school, I couldn’t speak outside of my home.  This also extended to guests coming to visit.  If you were not within my immediate family, the chance of you hearing me speak before the age of 8 was slim to none.

Due to me not speaking in school and my father having a very thick eastern European accent, I was put into ESL (English as a second language) for a short interval against my parents’ protests.  What the school didn’t know was that while I was home, I would not stop talking.  I barely took time to breathe between words.  It was like I had to get every word out before it got locked in again while I was in the outside world.  In a moment of sheer genius, my parents bought me a Fisher Price tape recorder.  This was my absolute favourite toy.  I would record myself for hours just talking, playing, singing, arguing with my brother that “no, YOU'RE a doo-doo head!” (I still stand by this 30 years later), you name it.  What I didn’t realise was that my parents were taking all these recorded cassette tapes and sending them to my school to prove I knew English.  I was moved out of ESL by the end of the week.

My memories as a child are very vague, and I’m terrible at remembering time frames, but as the story has been told to me many times by my mother, sometime in 2nd grade I decided without prompting that if I were to speak to every classmate one at a time then I would be able to raise my hand to answer a question in front of the whole class.  This was my Everest.  For reference, the concept of raising my hand and having all the attention on me was enough to prevent me from even asking to go to the bathroom.  I would just suffer and hold it in all day if needed just to avoid having to try and fail at speaking.  This was also before therapy wasn’t a taboo subject - and within my family if you suggest someone needs it the automatic response is “what?! Why?! They’re not crazy.”  Every night at dinner I would tell my family who I had spoken to that day to get closer to my goal.  To this day, I don’t know what brought this idea on or how I did it, but towards the end of the year I did.  I will never forget the shock on my teacher’s face when she saw me tentatively raise my hand when she asked a question.  This is something I would still struggle with until I finished school years later.  By no means was I cured, but this was one of those moments when things started changing for me.  I still didn’t talk much in school, but now if someone spoke to me in my class, they would get a short and quiet response instead of silence.  Usually. 

When I was 14 my parents tried to send me to a summer camp overseas with some of my European cousins.  Something I would die to have experienced now.  At the time however, I had my first ever full-blown panic attack just at the idea of having to interact with so many strangers in a different language.  One that I am fluent in.  The sheer amount of anxiety that overwhelmed me so visibly caused my parents to never broach the topic again.

I was fortunate enough to grow up in the early days of the internet with things like MSN messenger and AIM chats.  Pre-social media as we know it today.  For the first time I was finally able to have a voice where I would usually freeze or have a block.  I was able to talk to people for hours after school without my SM getting in the way.  If I felt awkward or uncomfortable no one would know.  Online I could start opening up to my friends in ways I couldn’t dream of in person.  I could also start “dating", which is hard enough even when you are able to speak!  I would meet the boys in person, chat with them online, have a connection, let them know about my SM, and by the time I saw them again in person it wasn’t as difficult to speak with my actual voice.  Life. Changing.

Over the years I’ve found other ways to cope and push past my freezing/ blocking. I’ve always found comfort in music and will always have headphones on while walking outside or taking public transport.  I’ll always be the girl hanging out with the dog rather than the people at a party.  I also know I’ll always struggle with speaking in front of groups (even if I know everyone in them), making phone calls, meeting new people, initiating conversations with strangers, and general basic human interactions, but that no longer stops me from trying.  I always feel uncomfortable and awkward in groups and around people I don’t know well.  I’ve been blessed with the most amazing group of friends that I’m close enough to be that annoying kid (you’re still a kid in your 30s, right?) with the tape recorder again.  I’ve gotten good enough at coping with my SM that a lot of people are shocked to hear that I have it at all.

There are still moments where I have big blocks and shame spirals after.  I blush for no reason if I think there is any attention on me, which often then causes people to draw attention to the fact that I’m blushing as it’s often misinterpreted, which then causes me to block.  I dread my birthday because it means people are drawing attention to me.  I over analyse EVERYTHING I say or don’t say.  I’ve lost literal sleep over something I didn’t say because of a block but wanted to over 6 months after the conversation happened.  I’ve lost literal sleep over freezing over situations that most people wouldn’t have blinked an eye at.  I have so many conversations in my head because I can’t get the words out to have them with the people I want to.  I still struggle to start conversations with strangers (even something as simple as “I love your shirt, where did you get it?” or “excuse me” when trying to pass through a crowd) no matter how much I’d like to.  Dating has become a taboo because it’s too much pressure to talk to strangers and make a connection.  Too many men have taken advantage of my freezing, which has led to a general distrust of the opposite gender.  This isn’t so much my SM to blame as a string of bad luck with finding creeps, but I do think it would be easier if I was able to speak up for myself in those moments.

However, I’ve learned to recognise all my little wins.  I lead bi-weekly work meetings.  I’ve given speeches at a few weddings.  I’ve joined a dating app.  I’ve mastered video calls with friends and family overseas. I can call a doctor’s office to make an appointment.  I push myself to try new experiences knowing how uncomfortable the thought of meeting new people makes me.

I also recognise the big wins.  Like recently moving from NYC to London on my own, where I can count on one hand the amount of people I know, forcing me to push my social boundaries once again simply because it’s something I always wanted to do.  I’ve moved into a flat with two complete strangers.  I’ve started a new job after being in the same one for 6 years.  I’m determined not to let SM prevent me from having the best life possible.  Even if it means being the quiet awkward girl in the corner sometimes.

I hope sharing my experiences with SM helps people understand it a little better and draw awareness for those literally suffering in silence.

⭐️⭐️⭐️

note from gemma

I wanted to take a moment and say thank you to every single person who sent in written accounts of their mental illness. They’re not all included here as I wanted to try and cover the widest possible breadth of conditions and there were several on similar topics. I’d also like to note and explain that, while I originally said that I would post these stories during Mental Health Awareness Month itself (May), I delayed it for a little while — there are a couple of reasons for this and I stressed about it but… at the end of the day, moving mental health awareness topics out of one singular month and into our conversations year round is really important so, at least there’s that. If you got this far thank you so much for reading xxx

resources

If you’re looking for information and resources after reading any of this information, check out these websites for a place to begin:

MQ Mental Health Research

Mind

Rethink Mental Illness