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Gemma Styles [00:00:01] Hello, I'm Gemma, and welcome to another episode of Good Influence. This is the podcast where each week you and I meet a guest will help us pay attention to something we should know about, as well as answer some of your questions. This week, we're talking about confidence and community, the importance of having people to relate to making confidence a practical thing, and how being gentle with ourselves sometimes means treating ourselves like somebody else. So joining me this week is Callie Thorpe. Callie is a writer, model, travel and fashion blogger who often shows about self-love on her social media channels. She's also founder of a community called The Confidence Corner, which posts on Instagram for us all to enjoy, but now also features a membership programme which aims to offer safe space for plus sized women. So, I mean, we've just been having all having a little chat about Love Island before we got started on talking for, you know, social media and all around. So I guess now that we're going to talk about. Confidence, we can kind of go straight into social media and let me start by asking you about the confidence CALDA, because you've been around online for quite a long time before you created that platform. Yeah, this is the case. What led you to create that space?

Callie Thorpe [00:01:47] Well, I think the thing which I really wanted to do when I first started on the Internet, it was kind of just like a self personal journey. That was I was going on myself. And obviously my platform was very much about me and what I was experiencing and what I was sharing. And like my own personal diary, I guess, online. But then I obviously started to realise that I wasn't really alone in the things that I was feeling and experiencing. And I kind of wanted to make a space where I could make more of a community by where I could also share other people's experiences and stories and uplift other messages that weren't reflecting just my own my own experiences. And that was kind of where the confidence corner came from. And the idea I actually on the on the few last days of my honeymoon, when I when it popped into my head on a beach in Mexico and I was like, I really want to start a platform. So I just literally thought of the name and made the Instagram account. And then I just try to start using it. And at the beginning, the platform was about like general confidence and how confidence was an issue that everyone experienced. And I was really I was really interesting exploring what competence meant to lots of people. And I found that really interesting. But as time went on, I realised that the majority of my followers and my people who were interesting on the page happened to also be plus size. And so I realised that I kind of didn't really see a space where there was kind of a particular focus on specifically just plus size. And then I later met with a friend and colleague in the industry who had mentioned that she wanted to work doing something in confidence. And I was sort of like not able to give it all of my time. And she was like, I'd love to do something with you. And we sort of came up with this idea and we took it on together to see how we could develop that space further and focus on really uplifting the voices of plus size women and speaking to that audience and being there for them.

Gemma Styles [00:04:01] Really, do you think that's important in kind of. Building confidence in more people is having those examples of saying so when you say kind of like platforming different voices, like in plus size women in different kind of communities, do you think that is important to building the confidence of people in the community in general?

Callie Thorpe [00:04:22] Yeah, because one thing I obviously I mean, we've developed it even further. We've now got the compass is now a membership platform and we actually have a private membership, which we is a private membership community. And it is really incredible. And I think what we said when we were starting it was we both work in the influence industry and we realise that it's so easy to kind of show that we're confident and do because because where we're at a point where we've already had like a support network, we find a support network in other places, influencers or other people in the industry. So it's like you have got that to kind of bounce off of someone else. But often the web with community people who follow you, it can sometimes feel very much like they almost see people as like. That's someone that's very separate to them, and then they say they can't relate. I'm like, oh, well, she will. It's like saying, well, Gemma feels like that because that's Gemma. And but I couldn't feel like that. And we realised the reason why people were still like unconfident and still struggling with self-esteem issues was because they didn't have that kind of direct encouragement from a community of people that were exactly like them, that were going through the same thing as them. And so I realised, yeah, that like it was I just think there was the idea of separating these kind of. Ideals of like a person who's an influence over a person who's a celebrity and the person who's following a person. There isn't any difference in between the people, but it feels like there is. And we kind of wanted to make a space where it was like where the where we can actually provide the tools to give the women the same thing that we had been given ourselves to give us the chance to be confident enough to be online.

Gemma Styles [00:06:07] I think that's a really interesting point about kind of looking at people. Online and I think I mean, you and I can kind of say this because we like work in similar industries, but I think it's very easy for people to look at you and yeah, like you say, think that you're somebody very different and kind of assume that if you. Are online and doing anything that you are already an extremely confident person, which, like I feel like is definitely not always the case, like I know for like just for me, like I'm not I mean, I'm generally not like an extremely self-confident person. So I think, like, yeah, it's definitely there's a divide, but I think yeah. Like you say, it's having people to relate to. Do you think that, like, it's it's the people around you. Who are able to build up your confidence or do you think that it is something that more so has to come from you, or is it kind of a combination?

Callie Thorpe [00:07:08] I mean, in my opinion, I think I think personally that a lot I mean, confidence is is it doing is it doing action? You know, it's it's more about it's not something you're born with. It's not something you can of your hands. And it's kind of also very interchangeable. I've always said that, like I really think and confidence also isn't always like you should say, this is my poker face. I have the confidence phono. And I always used to talk about the fact that confidence isn't necessarily about being extroverted or any of those things, but it's just being in tune with yourself and being like being able to sit in your own skin and be be secure enough to be OK with that and the secure with an OK with your own decisions and who you are as a person. And I do think that there's so many things that come into our lives and knock our confidence. But I think the thing I've realised is that community in general across everything and that's in life and that's in, you know, jobs, having a community, whether that's a community within your workplace or a community in your in your area, like having community and mutual support is so important because sometimes things just can't be dealt with alone. You need to be able to relate to someone. I think is that relatability of like I'm not alone with feeling this and so many times, especially in our membership now, it's just so beautiful watching as someone puts in, like, you know, they say they share a personal experience and then just a whole load of people like chime in and say, yes, I felt this or I felt this, or here's what I did to help combat that. And he has some ideas. And that collective support I can, I think, really does make you feel helped you feel better. But at the same time, I do think your self-worth and your self belief and all of that has to come from you. You can't it can't be the. And everybody validates you, you have to let it be a thing for yourself. So is this really is a really tricky thing, but I do think community is so important. I do think being able to relate to somebody else and I also always reference back to what I believe is like kind of like a it's like you like a dynamite and the spark goes. And it's like having watching someone else feel like, for example, when I first started writing my blog, I didn't I wasn't into fashion at all. I was really self-conscious. I never wore a bikini in my life. I'd never I really hated myself. I really despise my body. And I was always seeking trying to lose weight and always trying to be someone else and trying to better myself. And it wasn't until I saw my friend Gabby and my friend at the time. She what I was just to just a person I followed on a blog that I find randomly when I'm searching for plus size bikinis when I saw her in a bikini in the same body type as mine. I've never seen that before. And it was in seeing her in her bikini that that made me be like, well, if she can wear a bikini, I can wear a bikini. And then if she's got the companies do that, maybe I could do it. And it's like I wouldn't have if I hadn't seen it, I wouldn't have probably done that. So I think representations would be important. And it kind of sends a spot because then after I saw Gabby, I mean, I wore a bikini and then people wrote to me and said, oh, my God, I've never seen someone with your body shape, same as mine. And then they want to buy a bikini. And it's like it's sort of this kind of dynamite, you know, thread where everyone's getting this, like, spark of joy along the way and taking that chance themself.

Gemma Styles [00:10:54] Yeah, that's so nice and I think, yeah, it's like you say, it kind of has to come from within you, but sometimes you almost like. Need someone to show you that you

Callie Thorpe [00:11:04] can yeah,

Gemma Styles [00:11:06] even just as yeah, just to sort of kick it off. So you're kind of saying about having people who are similar to you and having similar experiences and how valuable that is. So on the confidence to you kind of describe it as like a safe space. Yeah. Which I know I've heard a lot of conversation about, you know, like the terms are on safe spaces and what people like, which tends to be people who whose criticism I perhaps would take with a pinch of salt anyway, but will kind of say, you know, like, oh. People need to be challenged or like, oh, you can't just separate people off or whatever, but I think. I personally, I can understand why it would be. A really valuable and important thing because. I just think it can be exhausting in like in general spaces. Yeah, and I think especially like and I'm I'm not like claiming to understand that experience, like of being a plus size woman, but like. Why do you think it's important that. You have the safe spaces and in terms of where it is being a bit sheltered, because I think that is a good thing, but how do you how do you feel about it?

Callie Thorpe [00:12:19] Yeah, we obviously discuss this because we went from being a page which was like this is for everybody. And then we went to this is perplexities women in it. You know, I was really nervous. I was like, you know, I don't want to I don't want to leave people out because I do really strongly believe that everyone has confidence issues and there are lots of really key and interchanging experiences as women. So it's not, you know, but what I what I realised was it was becoming obvious because of the people that were following the page that plus sized women don't feel safe to talk about the things that they want to talk about because of the fact that we're still so behind in so many ways. Like when I when you actually say this sentence about, say, like people just be like that can't be true. You cannot go into the High Street and buy plus sized clothes over a size 18 and most stores. There's only I mean, I can probably think of two stores that you can walk into that do plus sizes, and I don't even think they do them on the high shoe anymore. That's how Marks meant to go up to a twenty four or maybe twenty six, I think. Other than that, nowhere. Nowhere. So, you know, we can't get plus but most stores, we have a selection of a minimal selection of clothing. So high can if if it's a case of of course in a in an idealistic world, I would absolutely love for us not to have sectioned off private spaces exclusive to that experience. But we just we just don't like ultimately we don't you know, we still don't have access to to sites to even, you know, to me fashions the very least of the art of the combo. You know, on top of that, fat people plus size people, whoever they want to find itself, to find themselves as they also have limited access to to jobs. They don't they get discriminated in the workplace. They get discriminated again against in hospitals and by doctors. You know, they they often don't get the full care or the full kind treatment from doctors. And they're always treated as a problem to fix and often seen as lazy or slovenly or weak minded or all these different things and. It just when you when you think of it like that, it kind of makes you think like. Highwood, another person feel if they went to the high street and couldn't walk into one shop and find something. But it's just it's so demeaning and so upsetting, and that's just, you know, that's just one time experience. You know, there's also navigating dating when you're in a big body, there's also navigating online abuse, real life abuse. You know, all of these things come into play. And so they just and a lot of people don't feel comfortable talking about the subject they want to talk about because of backlash, you know, because of the way the Internet reacts. I mean, the Internet, you know, how the Internet reacts to most things, but try and put a plus sized woman saying anything. Yeah. Isn't I'm trying to lose weight. And then all of a sudden you're promoting obesity. You should be ashamed of yourself. You know, you're weak minded, all these different things. So it's like is needed because they just don't feel safe enough to talk about things that are really happening to them. And a lot of it's quite traumatic, like it's quite hard in the private community face often reading things that are really upsetting. And I just think it just makes you remember all the things you've also gone through. So it's hard.

Gemma Styles [00:16:12] Yeah, yeah. I mean, we had Dr. Joshua Willrich on earlier in the series and talked like we talked quite a lot about weight, Sukhbir and things. I feel like even on the podcast, hopefully people will be. A little bit more of it, but it is something like if you're not experiencing it, then you just won't fully know. Yeah, but I think even like all that considers, it's done a really beautiful thing, that you're creating a space that is about confidence and not even not even just trying to, like, get through it and navigate, but like actually building confidence in people, because I think that is like it's a really hard thing to do. Would you say that you are a confident person generally? Is that like something that you've had to work on?

Callie Thorpe [00:16:57] Yeah, I think I probably I used to confuse confidence with extrovert ism so I would find the words extrovert ism. Maybe not. I was I've always been an extrovert. I don't

Gemma Styles [00:17:07] know. But I know what you mean.

Callie Thorpe [00:17:08] I mean, I've always been alive. Yeah. Copy, girl. No, I'm joking. I've always been I've always been chatty. I've always been like tried to always be the life of the party. I've always never really had a problem with my personality and confidence. If I make sense. That sounds really strange, but I've obviously had dips in confidence. But I think the thing which really hindered me was my self image and my body image. That was what I really lacked confidence. And actually I always thought I was super competent and I realised there was so many things I wasn't doing in my life based off of that. That actually didn't really make me that confident. You know, I wasn't going for the things I wanted to do and being the person I really wanted to be because I had such self limiting beliefs about myself. But I do think I will say, like, I'm not you know, I've never been afraid of public speaking. I was always in, like, you know, theatre productions at school. I, I love making friends. I could talk to anybody. I just. That's always been me, but I'm also not 100 percent all the time, and I still struggle so much because I have social anxiety, not social anxiety. You have anxiety and my anxiety really affects my confidence because it makes me question myself. I have no trust of myself and it affects how I show up online and how I show up when the world really, because it's it's like a little goblin at the back of my head saying, like, you're not you're not good enough and you know, that can affect me. So, yeah, it's helpful to have an e-mail to remind me that I'm trying to do some good in the world. But there's always that anxiety goban in the back that's like this is all rubbish and you're useless, you know?

Gemma Styles [00:18:56] I mean, of course, you're absolutely useless. But I was going to say, I also think that you being so honest about that and talking about mental health online and on Instagram and stuff is. Another thing that I think. I find really valuable just to kind of see someone I feel like there's so there's so many people and I am very much included who kind of don't don't really talk about mental health tips and stuff kind of while it's happening. And I totally understand why, because I'm the same. To be honest, I just I find it too hard. And I mean, I'm not saying that you're, like, always bang in the centre, but I do think that you are someone who I will look to and kind of see that you you don't just say about how you're feeling and you never like I don't know, it's not like you're kind of berating yourself or making anyone else feel bad about it. And it's not like, come on, like pull you up by your bootstraps or whatever. But you all quite like quite practical with it, which I think is it is nice to see sometimes. So like literally very basic step by step of like this is how I'm going to try and get out of this funk kind of thing or just and that's like that's what you don't really see that much of a thing because it seems so like the really like small bits of someone's life of Wemba, you know, trying to get trying to get out of a bad mental health space that seems so run of the mill that you don't see it a lot. But I love to see that from you. And I think it's kind of similar with confidence where you talk about the small ways that you can build it up. I think it really good to see.

Callie Thorpe [00:20:28] Yeah, I think that's so true with the mental health conversation. It's been really interesting because I feel like there's this we're talking about it more than ever. But I think, like she said, there's a lot of like discussion of the experience, but it's quite hard to, you know, talk about solutions and like realistic solutions as well, because I find like this idea of, you know, just meditate just out of it. I know. Yes, obviously. But also, it's not always effects. It's not if

Gemma Styles [00:20:57] you want to define. Yeah.

Callie Thorpe [00:20:59] Good for you. But, you know, I can't I can't. I listen to sometimes it's a meditation podcast. No, I can hear. It's like you didn't do this yesterday or seven years ago. You said something really offensive to somebody and you're a horrible human being and everyone hates you. And the background, they like and breathe. And I'm like, oh, I love. Actually, you know, it's yes, obviously I always recommend meditation is great. It is good. And it's actually it's important to use that time a quiet space. But like recently I spoke about, I, I struggle with I have struggled with eating issues for a long time, which is so much really you never really speak about online until recently. But I kind of feel like I want to talk about it because I understand that I'm not the only person to go through that. And that's not just exclusive to me being passed either. I know that eating disorders are on the rise and very much around and have been for centuries. But the way in which I choose to speak about it now is that I try and I try and not. Let myself be like, oh, it's fine, you have, because you know that there is a lot of oh, be gentle with yourself mental health response, which I yes, of course, be gentle with yourself. But also at times I need to be straight with myself. And that is at some point I have to help myself, because really it's only me that can do it because. External help is important, but is that a fine line between. It's not about being protected or being. I was talking my own stories the other day and I say it's not about rules or but it's discipline. I find that really sort of crappy words. And I don't like them, but it's more about accountability. I have to be accountable to myself. So, you know, when I'm going for a period of mental health and I'm struggling and I'm bingeing or, you know, using unhealthy behaviours to deal with what I'm experiencing, it doesn't serve me and it's not going to fix me. So at some point, I have to say to myself. You are right, this is not helping you, this is not soothing you, this is causing you suffering and work that out because otherwise I could just I will stay in it. I will stay and I'll stay in bed. You know, I'll isolate myself, like I have to take those steps to be, like to pull myself out into the light almost. And I do think we need to start having that more of a conversation about that, because I think we the gentle approach of like, it's OK and it is OK to feel bad and it is OK to have those days. But we also need to be productive and proactive about how we support each other and support ourselves. And knowing how to get out of a bad day, do you know what I mean? That makes sense.

Gemma Styles [00:23:53] Yeah, I do know what you mean. Yeah, I think I mean, I think that's right as well, because to be honest, I mean, aside from anything else, I think just adding more variety and like nuanced conversations is never a bad thing because. Everybody going through these things is different, but there are often common themes like, as you say, the approach of, you know, just be kind to yourself and don't beat yourself up about it. I mean, I agree with that full stop. But, yeah, sometimes people need a slightly different approach or they need to, like, see behaviour model that they think, OK, that's that's one thing that they've done and it's made them feel a bit better. Yeah, maybe I could try that. Maybe it'll make me feel better. And if it doesn't, it doesn't and different things will work differently. But that's what I think. So like people just. Adding different sort of threats to the mental health conversation I just always think is so important.

Callie Thorpe [00:24:49] That is so true. And actually, as you said, like my my way of coping is not going to be for everybody else. I definitely think always be kind to yourself, always be compassionate to yourself. Always allow yourself what you need. But I, I think it is also helpful to. Like almost repairing yourself in a way like treat yourself, I mentioned I wrote a post about I look after my grandson. Sometimes we do respite care for my grandchild and he comes and my grandkids. That, by the way, to anyone listen, if a Welsh terminology and if you follow me, you know who crunches. He's like, you know, actually people don't want to follow me. Well, they only hear from my. But anyway, I have my lovely grandchildren. He's actually a legend. Isn't a to love him, but I am. Legend is so good. But when crunch is here, obviously my priority is my grandchild. And so I make sure that I get up in the morning and make sure he takes his like he takes these little fibre gels like Lillico five gel. They help. They help me go to the loo five, which I'll make sure he has his water, you know, give him his tablets and his breakfast and then he has to rest a little late lunch time and make him up a little lunch or whatever, and then another little rest. So do one great science and God and get some fresh air. Do you want to do this? Oh, you want to watch this on TV? I would want to snack, you know, all these little things. And it was after my grandma left, I realised just how much care I put into my lunch in the sense of making sure you had all these little these little things to make sure you have a really wholesome day and that he felt good and all these things. And we even bought one of those massage guns because he's got bad, he's got bad, very bad knees. Bless him. And it was when he left and I was really struggling with my mental health and my anxiety. I realised just how much I don't do any of that for myself when I'm having a mental health period, like I could go all day without having drank a glass of water. You know, I yeah, and it's like you start to realise that you the way you care for the people is a mirror to how you don't care for yourself. And it's very simple, but it's like. It's just little key things like, could I do with some fresh air? Should I go sit in the garden for five minutes? Will that help me feel better? Should I just go and make myself a little snack pack? You know, should I have a wrap? Should I have a little nap like my grandma does? It's kind of like being gentle. And I think that was a real moment for me. And that's sort of what I try and do for myself when I'm struggling is like I'll try to at least try and care for myself as if I actually love myself. And I think that's so much of mental health issues, is that we. Mental health has a way of telling us that we're not good, that we're not deserving, especially anxiety, it makes you question everything about yourself and who you are. And so sometimes overcoming that and pushing forward and being like, I deserve to at least eat a decent meal today. You know, I deserve to drink water and fluids and I deserve to get some fresh air, and sometimes that looks like sitting in front of Netflix for seven hours and watching back to back Grey's Anatomy or whatever, and sometimes that looks like going for a walk. Yeah. Oh, do you watch Grey's Anatomy? I love you. Not to me.

Gemma Styles [00:28:15] Yeah, I do, actually. I started watching I started watching movies all through only a couple of years ago. And it was like I had like quite a quite a deep depressive episode through like January and February a couple of years ago. And I watched like 15 seasons of Grey's Anatomy, like five or six weeks. That was pretty intense, very intense. Luckily, the episode eventually passed, but the love for growth remains.

Callie Thorpe [00:28:44] I love you. Yes, Grey's is great. But yeah, you know that I said sometimes about deciding, like, you know, sometimes it is about sitting on the set and eating crap and doing whatever. And then sometimes it's about not that. So I think it just fine, as you said, apply nuance like all of us to individual and this kind of idea of the Internet, which happens very quickly. If the new trend is like to do whatever so-and-so is doing. Well, no, like stop doing what you want to do and start working out what is your your you need to figure out your own unique recipe. You know what what works for you best.

Gemma Styles [00:29:18] That's it. Yeah. So true. I mean do you think that or are there any things that you would do to kind of apply the same logic to confidence or do you think there are practical steps that either you take or could advise or that members of your community of shared that are actual kind of practical things for building confidence? Yes, I do think, like when we have a lot of these conversations, they can be quite abstract. And some sometimes you actually want something practical that you can do.

Callie Thorpe [00:29:48] Yeah, yeah. One of the things I think is so important is really to curate what you're feeling and what you're seeing. One of the things I realised was I had such a poor impact on my own mental health and well-being and my self esteem and my body image issues was I grew up in the era when it was like special Kaitaia every bloody day. And it was the berating of women on the front of magazines. And that had an effect on me. So, yeah, well, yeah, we're the same age me, but I feel like I just realised so much how much we in we take on board what we see and what we hear and what we follow and like let's be real. We're all spending hours online. I wasn't, I was. But if you are going to spend hours and hours online, please do spend it in spaces that make you feel like you feel seen or heard represented, make you feel good, make you make you question things like, you know, I love to follow people that make me question things that I have never heard of before or never seen before. You know, shit like diversity is really important. I think it's important to see other people's points of view. You know, I think this is just, yes, practically for confidence. The one thing I would say is don't follow don't buy magazines where they berate women on the front covers for their weight. You follow people that look like you for people that don't like you. And, you know, I've never been one. I know a lot of people are like stand in front of the mirror and look at your body. And no, that's not me. It's not going to be me. That's just not who I am. I'm not you know, I'm not I've just never indulged in that way with myself. But one thing I do like to do is I like to collect a little folder where I put like if I wear a nice outfit and I feel really good in it, I put in a little folder and then I go back to that when I feel like I'm sure I'd like to get dressed like, oh, how am I going to feel good? And then I go back, I think, oh, that that made me feel nice that day. And I put that back on. It's like a little, you know, just a feel good folder of like how to kind of just feel a bit more confident. And that's a nice little way. But also, I think friends are so important with confidence they really uplift you when you're struggling because especially if they're able to relate. Like I said, it's the ability to talk to someone that is going through something like that with you. I know we've text a lot about mental health stuff and anxiety and way, and I think it's important to be able to relate to someone else and say. You know, I'm yeah, I'm not doing not great at the moment or I'm really struggling and knowing that you're not and, you know, knowing you're not alone. And I just know it just helps a little bit. But, yeah, confidence. Remember, confidence is something that is not an everyday, everyday commitment to yourself, but it's not essential. And, you know, you don't have to it doesn't make you a better person if you're super confident, you know, just but it's important for yourself to you just you deserve to feel confident and in a way that uplifts you and inspires you to be the person you want to show up, as in the will. That's how I see confidence us. And often confidence limits us from doing the things we want in life, being people we want to be, and being authentic and true to ourselves, because it's so easy to mould ourselves into everything that we see. You know, always new trends, new, you know, this, new that. But like is it's about getting in tune with yourself. Like, do I actually like this or is this just something that I'm seeing and everyone likes it and I should like it? Do you know what I mean? So I think is it. That's kind of. Yeah. So that's it just creates nice spaces for yourself.

Gemma Styles [00:33:49] Every week my guests and I will be answering your questions on the first one comes in from Iliza, who says, Do you ever find that your confidence is higher when you're surrounded by a certain group of good for you people, quote unquote, but is scarce when they're no longer there to build you up? And how do you deal with that? I'm not fond of the idea that how confident I feel is based on and can be waived by the people I surround myself with. Oh yeah.

Callie Thorpe [00:34:13] That's a good one. I love that. That is true. That is that that's the thing. It's like it's about being in tune with yourself and you can't always have there's not always going to be that. Protection around you and that that's why we're saying about the kind of stability thing we were talking about earlier. Sometimes you have to be accountable to yourself and that doesn't involve anybody else is just a thing between you and you. And it's important to remember and especially comes into play with the Internet and validation, because I think we all need to be real about the fact that we all do in some way need to feel validated. And the validation that we get on the Internet is like a tiny little like what do they call it? They say it's like statistically they're saying it gives you like a little endorphin or something. When you see a light go a comment or something, you know, it's like they're saying, I think

Gemma Styles [00:35:07] it's meant to be like your dopamine levels.

Callie Thorpe [00:35:09] I said the dopamine confusion's

Gemma Styles [00:35:12] rewards like feedback

Callie Thorpe [00:35:13] yet. And that's so important. And I think what is it, Alysa, that just said that, that like, I don't she doesn't want to feel like it's all going to come crashing down if she doesn't have this network. And I absolutely agree with you there because it's so important to remember they're all going to be times in life when you don't have that and you have to be able to stand on your own two feet. And I think that's part of the the journey of the growth part of that thing. It's like it's it's nice to know that you have a community there, but it and that shouldn't be the sole reason that you are you you know, and it is about tapping into it and not needing it as a crutch, you know, not need like me. Yeah. Not needing the Internet to tell me that I'm a good person to know that I am trying to be a good person. You know, I don't always we always. That's a big thing that's happening a lot lately. And I think, yeah, it's important just to be like safe and secure, knowing you've got a great community of people that are there to support you. But knowing ultimately that the safety and security is in yourself. And yeah, when you go to bed at night and you go to sleep knowing that you are really up to eat everything you need to be and are doing the absolute best you can for yourself, not for the people, not for your community. Because so often I think as well, I've always thought I need to be show up better and I need to I shouldn't I shouldn't talk about not feeling confident or I shouldn't talk about my body image issues because I'm going to feel like a fraud to it, to my community. And I realise that I was letting myself down in order to not let other people down. And you always. I know this is really awful. I know, but you always must let other people down overlying yourself, dying, that's a horrible thing to say. But sometimes you just have to, like, make sure that you prioritise yourself so that you can then show up for the people in a good way. It's the same principle as when you want to fly. They always say, put your oxygen mask on first before you help someone else. And that is that principle. Always make sure that you're looking after you first so that you can then show up in a good way to help other people. So, yeah, absolutely important to be able to stand on your own two feet and and then tap into your community, your support network, and use them and support them in the way that you want to be supported, loved.

Gemma Styles [00:37:47] And so I think it was very honest as well. And I think, yeah, sometimes it's good to hear. It's like, yeah, you probably won't feel 100 percent confident or, you know, if if 70 percent confidence is your maximum confidence, it doesn't mean that you're going to be there constantly all the time, like it can fluctuate and go up and down. And that doesn't mean that that's a failure. It just is the way that it goes.

Callie Thorpe [00:38:07] I think it's almost no more if it like it's not it's not normal to be competent all the time, I don't think. Because who who is happy all the time who satyal that you know, that's, that's the ebbs and flows in life. Like I just it's it the having, it's the variations that help left us, you know, being sad helps us realise when we're happy because we can reflect on the sadness. Being confident helps us look back when we're not coming and say look how much I've grown like all those things. I mean they all link and it's all part of what makes us good functioning.

Gemma Styles [00:38:41] Next question is from Emily, who says, Hi, Carly. I was wondering what your advice is on confidence in dating? I'm confident in almost all areas of my life, but dating and romantic relationships on my weak point. I always doubt if someone could ever love me in a romantic way. I second guess my worth and belittle myself. Any advice on building confidence in this area?

Callie Thorpe [00:39:03] So that's a good, juicy one, isn't it? Is that a something that comes up so much in our private membership? I cannot tell you like the number one hot topic in our membership. And one thing I will say is that I do think it's actually important for you to understand, Emily, that you are not alone in that feeling. It's so common. It's so common to feel that way. And I think dating does break people in special ways because it's so especially now in covid times. Yeah. You know, everything's all done digitally and we showing up the digital people. And, you know, it's like people have almost lost 18 months of their life, you know, to to this. And so timescales and people at this time scale, precious like age comes and people start worrying, too. I need to I'm just at this age, I need to day I need to meet someone. And I think especially is a plus sized woman. That's what comes up today with the with the dating conversation is because of this idea of people judging you based on what you look like. One thing that we've discussed in our membership like this is that the only thing to do when it comes to dating is just to go for it because there is a chance and actually. There is almost a 100 percent chance that you are going to come across some not very nice people, because a lot of them like to hang out there and just not it's not always. No, seriously, there are some real nasty people. You know, you have people that put in their bios like no fat girls or no this or no know, but. I would say, like, first of all, you don't need to date someone to validate yourself and to realise that you're an amazing person, no one. But it's also OK to say that you want to date and be be with someone and, you know, want to experience that human connexion with somebody else. So I but I think the most important thing to do is, is realise that it's not about this whole idea. I always struggle with, like saying you're beautiful and that's all that matters, because actually I think that's kind of a dismissive way of responding to this. Ultimately, what people view as beautiful is different from individual to individual. You just have to be confident in the fact that you are a person that has great things to offer somebody else. And there will be someone out there that has similar enjoyment, similar experiences, similar interests to you, and you will be able to connect on a level. Which goes a side of image, because at the end of the day. You know, images and body image and attractiveness isn't the be all and end all of life. And I can say that really, really and truly, because there's a lot of people, you know, who value image and how someone looks over everything. And I think that's such a great way to look at life because there is so much beauty and and specialness and uniqueness in individuals. And so I think just be confident, be yourself. I think the biggest thing is be honest. I always we always talk in the group about the fact that some of the girls have started to put in there, you know, put put real like they're full pit full body pictures. A lot of of of our beautiful, amazing community said they felt too scared to put full body images up because they didn't want to you know, they felt they didn't they didn't really like themselves or they felt unconfident about the way they looked. And I we've also done that myself and Lauren, my co-founder of the company, it's going to we're both like, just put the full body picture up because that is you and you're going to change you. And when you get there, just be who you are because you're pregnant as you are. You know, you don't you don't you don't need to change who you are to meet requirements of of some bizarre beauty standards that we as society is made to just be yourself, be honest and show up truly as yourself. And you cannot go wrong. And yes, you're going to come across, like I said, yes, you might come across people that aren't very nice, that make you feel uncomfortable, but see it as a see as an opportunity to explore you and what you like, explore different people, meet different people, see how they make you feel, see what it is you want in a partner and actually have fun because dating thing can be quite fun. You know, like I said, you know Lauren and she talks a lot about it in the group as well and share her experiences. And a lot of it is about just experiencing a connexion with other people and figuring out what it is you actually want, because a lot of the time none of us really know. I feel like I'm a bit bad for this one because I've been out of dating for like millions of years now. I've been married like six years or whatever it is. And I just I feel so I if I smoke marijuana smuggling, I'm such a little smug loser. But, um, no, it's just so hard because obviously when I get done at Sainsbury's, my husband, you know, I literally met and when he working, he's working on customer service. And he gave me a free bag of mincemeat, which sounds very strange, but he did actually give me a and no sign. So very bizarre. But that's how we like I love story. So I know she gave me a bag of stuff that was supposed to be designed to make it like a free bag of mince and potatoes to make cottage pie. And I thought he was giving me some returns to do. And I was like, I'm not doing a bloody returns. Did do you think you are? And he's like, No, I've just got you back. Just give back to the back of me. So sweet. But yeah, I'm always asking, where'd you meet down on Sainsbury's, babe? I know I'm at Sainsbury's, so like I thought, hanging out in the supermarket, you never know what you could find. But truly, I think it's so important to. Yeah, just just to be confident, go for it because, you know, and make sure you've got a bunch of amazing, like people behind you to uplift you and appreciate every step of the way and obviously be safe. It's important to be safe with dating, but yeah, hit me up on the scale as well. I'm sure there's more chat from community that can help with any questions about dating as well.

Gemma Styles [00:45:23] That is very good advice. Yeah, definitely. If it's already summer, we can send you for more about this than. Yeah, that's perfect. Okay. Last question is from Rebecca, who says all throughout high school I really suffered with low confidence. As I got ready to head to college in August, I've realised I want to get over my lack of confidence. My friends always give me compliments, but I have a hard time accepting them. How can I take compliments? I receive and really accept and believe them in a way that they'll build my confidence.

Callie Thorpe [00:45:54] Oh yeah. This is so hard, this one. You know why? Because I still struggle to take compliments. I really struggle to take compliments. No one really compliments is to when someone gives you a compliment, do not say oh no, don't no not no. Surely not all kind of make aberrated joke about yourself. I think what the number one thing to do with taking a compliment is say thank you. I receive that, or I mean maybe I receive that. But to say thank you because in your head. In your head. Yeah. I say thank you. I receive that in my head. But because otherwise it's so easy. I do. I mean it's hard because I'm quite a sarcastic person. I'm quite self self-deprecating. It's part of like my character trait. I've always been a little bit. I do too. Say, I'm sorry we found this gem. Oh my God. I just went, oh yeah, OK. I always take the piss out of myself. I think that's part of being being plus sized. Showing up is part of your personality sometimes just just because you so much of my life, I always decides to make fun of myself before someone else can make fun of me. So it was like a kind of a deflection thing. But I think it's so important to take compliments because when someone gives you a compliment, then not just say they saying it not just to be nice, but because they really mean it. You know, people don't give up. I think people don't give out compliments that regular, you know, so I really take it and take it on board. And also remember that there are people in life that really love you and they see the absolute best in you. When you see the worst in you, they think that you're the best thing since sliced bread with Lurpak solid butter on top. You know, they think you're fabulous and you might not be able to see that, but they see something in you that you might that you just don't see. And it's important to let them show you so that you can learn to see it yourself. Because if you don't and you keep pushing those compliments away, you will you know, you will not be able to highlight the good the good things that other people of side of the world see in you. And it's great to be able to be more present in that, you know, if people say, oh, you look so beautiful. You've got things like silly things like when people say, oh, you've got such a beautiful singing voice, and then I can't I can't sing. I know. I'm just messing. Right. You say thank you very much, because even if it means even if you only sing in your shower, it doesn't matter. It just makes you think actually yeah, I do actually like my voice. I do you think I have a nice voice or you have a really beautiful smile. Well, that's nice to know. Like to think when you smile that you're the smile that you're given off is going to make someone else smile I think is simple. And yes, I read something recently which says, don't believe everything in the good people tell you and don't take on board too much of the bad as in it's striking that balance. You know, we have to. Remain try and remain neutral in ourselves and not let things get to our heads. I think that's important as well, because I I think I always worry that there's a feeling that, well, questionable. But is there a fine line between confidence and arrogance? And I don't and I think so much of that is especially for women, is that we're frightened to be seen as competent because we're not allowed to you know, if you're too competent, you're like, oh, if you've seen her, she's full of herself, you know? And it's that kind of attitude of like women specifically, that we shouldn't be lied or be over the top will be too much. But actually, that's nonsense. Be as light and be as much as you want to be because you do you honey. That's what I say. They go off the question. They I probably did.

Gemma Styles [00:49:34] Sorry about that. I don't know. But I enjoyed it anyway. I think. I think you answered. I think yeah. Like kind of what you said. Like how do you accept compliments? I mean, I think what you said was important as well as if you think about when you give compliments, like I'm not wandering around dishing out compliments that I don't mean like if I say something nice to someone and, you know, you look at someone and say, oh, you don't nice today or, oh, that thing that you did was really good. Or like I don't just say that for the sake of it. I don't think a lot of people do. If you think about how you like organically give compliments, you only say them if you mean them. So if someone's saying them to you, likelihood is they mean it too. So yeah.

Callie Thorpe [00:50:10] Yeah, I love it. I love it when you get a compliment from a rando in the street, best thing ever given them as well. And you spot a really gorgeous babe in the street and you go, you look so good, so nice. Why is that lip from you. That lovely. Just the best. It's like it's like injecting an injection of confidence, right. In that in the centre of you, because it's just makes you feel so good. You feel like you're floating when someone gives you a compliment, especially when it's from like I love it when it's another woman. I love doing it. Of course I say this while I see I'm like, oh, you look so good, babe. I love this outfit on you. I just I don't know. I just think it's so nice compliment. I think give compliments freely. But as you said, when you really feel them, don't just give them willy nilly.

Gemma Styles [00:50:51] Yeah. I mean, maybe that's it. Maybe that's a good way to say. I like feeling more comfortable with compliments you receive is like when you think something practise actually saying it to someone. Yeah. I actually give out the compliments that you genuinely mean and then you kind of feel I might get a little little circle a compliment.

Callie Thorpe [00:51:05] Yeah, I love that.

Gemma Styles [00:51:08] If you want to know about opportunities to send in questions for upcoming guests, then follow us on Instagram or Twitter. Archerd influence us on email me good influence pod at Gmail dot com. Before you go, I've got three things I ask every guest of. That's if listeners want to find out more about what we've been talking about today. Could you please recommend us something to read, something to listen to, something to watch?

Callie Thorpe [00:51:32] OK, something to read. I've recently just read it as part of our book club for the Continent's Corner, and it's called The Beauty Myth. It's a really interesting book. It's a feminist lit piece of literature. It's written in the nineties, actually, and it's a really interesting deep dive into beauty standards and how they were developed and how we how they live and how they work within marketing and within appetites men and really how that is all been like part of a way to control women. And it's so interesting. And yeah, really, it's really it's kind of it's a bit wordy. It feels a little bit like it's not like a sort of an easy read, I would say. But it is really fascinating, especially when they talk about the diet culture and just like diet culture and the basically the development of diets and why they were created. And it's this Mitchy, this idea that encouraging diets was to encourage women to. Basically not being there for power, because if you're dieting to the point of starvation, you're not able to fully function as a human being. And so it's like this kind of of control. So interesting, really, really enjoyed reading it. So I haven't fully finished it because we but we had a really great chat about it. And we do a book club video every every month. And it was just so interesting to speak to other people about how to shop. We were about really how not much has changed since in fact things have got worse. It talks to you about the the value of the die industry. I think when it was written, it was like in the millions and now it's worth like 14. The die industry with 14 billion could go. So it's like more than doubled since the. Yeah. And then there was also the cost of the increase in the BTE and plastic surgery industry and how that's tripled astronomically and also the porn industry as well. So it's really interesting to see and looking at the stats and being like we've actually got worse. We're not we've not got better. And then, yeah, it's really interesting. And also it could genuinely feel like it was written even though it was in the 90s. Yeah. So, yeah, it was really interesting. So I really recommend that as a book to read and to what is it to watch that you said

Gemma Styles [00:53:57] watch or listen to

Callie Thorpe [00:53:58] a cow and do two watches. They've got two good ones of course. OK, watch. I really recommend people watch shrill. There is a series on BBC IPA and it's written by a writer called Landslips. It's the story of this young girl and she lives in America, American Portland, and she's plus size. And it's kind of all about body positivity and her experience navigating the world in a plus sized body. But it's really like fun and like kind of topical to like our interests of our of our age group. And, yeah, it's just about it's got like dating sex. Like what it's like to work is like she works for a magazine and so expansive that like a parent straight away because of the way it's just really, really good. It's funny. It's just a really good, easy watch. And my other recommendation is on Netflix, there's a show called like I think it's called like Ultimate Leftovers or something like that. It's the easiest, most ridiculous, over-the-top, cheesy watch ever. But I I'm obsessed. It's basically by people. It's like a competition, like a cooking competition where they give them something out of the fridge, like leftover Thai food, and they have to make it into something else and how they make it in some leftover Thai food into like arancini and pasta. And it's absolutely wild what they take it from. That's not so good. Oh, my God. I just know your love that is so is so cheesy. Like I'm first. What do you like what is this. Because it's so over the top that even at the end the woman, the presenter even sings a song on a guitar. She goes, I mean it's just like it's ridiculous but it's just so good. And they go in like they get like leftovers from like two different scenes. So they did like I mean, they do everything like leftover Chinese, leftover Thai food, leftover breakfast food, leftover birthday cake from kids parties. And they have to make everything. And like I watched some of them, I was like, hi. And they take a birthday cake and make this into like dough bowls and like like that's so but truly wild. So if someone made like a Dutch baby, which is not a small child, it's actually like a Yorkshire pudding. That's actually very good for the Dutch baby that had one.

Gemma Styles [00:56:16] No, I haven't. But I've seen it in an episode of Cartoon My Watch. It's like a big pancake kind of thing, right?

Callie Thorpe [00:56:21] Yeah, it's basically. But it's actually not. It's actually a Yorkshire pudding. That's the thing, they've duped us, it's not what it looks like a pancake, but it's really more of a Yoki put

Gemma Styles [00:56:32] well, pancakes on Yorkshire, pudding all the same, like butter, all they know, which always blows my mind. But, yeah, makes sense. Like, I really

Callie Thorpe [00:56:39] want to make one. But yeah, it's just like so interesting. I just love it. And they basically when they win like I think ten thousand pounds like that they have is three of them on the contestant and then each person wins and then they give them like they give them like this little left over. They call it the winning they give them at the end. It's called a casserole.

Gemma Styles [00:57:00] Oh I got

Callie Thorpe [00:57:01] this is so wild. It says, well this Farrall alone, it sounds like

Gemma Styles [00:57:05] so much like serotonin.

Callie Thorpe [00:57:08] And then they hand over literally a casserole dish filled with ten days combined and they go, here's your casserole. And then just like this, it's just so good. And you just watch. I just sat there and watched. I was there. I was just like, this is the best thing ever. I love it. So, yeah, definitely. Watch that.

Gemma Styles [00:57:24] Oh, God, I'm so excited to watch that.

Callie Thorpe [00:57:27] Yeah. And then listen, um. Oh, I'll do a listen as well, but I'll be quick. It's cold. You're wrong about and it's an American duo and they cover interesting topics and they'd like sort of break down the statistical truth and information about different subjects. It's really balanced. They do a really good point on the obesity epidemic, which I which is how I first ended up finding that podcast. But it's just really fascinating and they're really balanced and like just it's quite like there's a lot of dry humour in there and I just like it. It's a nice, easy lesson on a on a walk. I love a pot on a walk and obviously your podcast of your podcast.

Gemma Styles [00:58:07] Thank you for listening and thank you Callie for joining me. If you enjoyed the episode, I'd love you to subscribe to the podcast on whichever platform you're using. And if you've got an extra minute, you can leave a rating on a review as well. Your reviews make a big difference and help other people find the podcasts. And I love reading them. See you next

Callie Thorpe [00:58:23] week.