SELF LOVE IS A MARATHON
A lack of confidence is epidemic in our society. No matter how perfect you think someone is, it’s guaranteed that they have things that they feel self-conscious about, or have hang ups of their own. If you’ve seen those Instagram accounts that show how people doctor their pictures (such a guilty pleasure) - there are 5’10” models with 23” waists who are still photoshopping themselves to look thinner. These are people who walk catwalks all over the world, and they still look at pictures of themselves and feel the need to shrink that little bit more.
I didn’t mean to start a post about self love talking about models, is that counterproductive? Anyway, my point is that people with all kinds of bodies feel all kinds of pressures and suffer under expectations that are pretty impossible - but I do think there's a comfort in knowing that, when you’re feeling alone. For the sake of togetherness and not finger pointing, let’s remember that the people manipulating those pictures are part of the same cycle of insecurity as the rest of us. I don’t think being angry at them actually makes me feel any better, personally, when I’m working on my relationship with my own body. One of the ways I feel better is to not buy into that cycle. Knowing you’re not contributing to that issue and being honest makes me feel better in a different way - but the better I feel about myself as a person, the more I feel able to argue away the criticism in the mirror.
I’m talking about confidence because it’s one of the most common questions people ask me online. ‘How did you find your confidence? How do I learn to love myself?’ First things first - I must come across a lot more confident than I am in real life… because I am by no means a master of the art.
I would be remiss not to mention that I’m coming at this topic from a position of privilege. Even though I don’t look the same as campaign models, for example… I can walk into a shop and know that they will make something in my size. I can look at advertising and feel almost certain I will see my skin colour. The list goes on. The people who started the body positivity movement were climbing a steeper hill for all of our sakes, so I don’t want to co-opt their movement - in a lot of ways I’ve had it easy. Hooowever - I have still spent countless miserable hours lamenting parts of my body I don’t like. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t worry and fixate on things. So something is up.
As far as feeling better about yourself goes, I’m not going to sit here and pretend to you I have all the answers. Honestly I’m not even aiming to adore it, I think I’m shooting for some kind of zen, neutral relationship status with my own flesh, because it’s not the most important thing about me. I get into a funny cycle with criticising myself: upset about the way I look, indignant that I’ve absorbed a load of messaging that has made me feel that way, then guilty that I’ve fallen prey to the bullshit. None of those are positive emotions but, for me, the indignation is the most helpful part. It doesn’t mean that I don’t have insecurities - but I like to focus on the fact that those insecurities were decided by someone else, and frankly they can sod off. I choose to be annoyed at them and not me! More than I want to change myself, I am annoyed at the situation which made me feel that way in the first place. We’re all human and fall prey to insecurity - but who benefits?
Honestly I sometimes find body positivity quite intimidating. I’m not in a place where I look in the mirror and love every inch. It feels like too lofty a goal to shoot for, right now at least. It’s another version of being perfect, being perfectly accepting of yourself - and it can feel like just another impossible standard. All we can do is our best. It’s okay if you don’t look in the mirror and thank every stretch mark for the stories they’ve added to your body. But realise they’re normal and if you feel strongly against them, think about why? It’s okay to have insecurities. But then just remember, and keep reminding yourself, that you are more than what you look like.
Curate your social media. Find people who speak about bodies in a way that makes you feel good. Follow people who look like you. Follow people who don’t look like you. If scrolling past somebody’s pictures makes you feel rubbish about yourself - remove them from your feed. Instagram shouldn’t be a place you go to punish yourself.
Practise. If you’re someone who struggles with self-criticism, nobody is expecting you to transform into the most confident person in the world overnight. Make being kind to yourself a habit and practise it every day. If you need to stick positive affirmations on the mirror - DO IT.
I suppose what I’m trying to say is that self confidence isn’t something that anyone else can hand to you or grant with a secret. It’s work that you do with yourself. Choose your outside influences, and I suppose influencers, these days, where you can - curate the kind of space that you feel comfortable in, that makes you feel like yourself, and that makes you feel like you are good enough. Find people who put out messages that make you feel good, and take the time to soak those messages in. All I can do in trying to answer your questions is be honest - and this is how I work on the same issues myself.
You can’t control what ideals the wider media will force on you and your body but you can control who has access to it, your relationship with it and eventually how much time you spend thinking about it. Self acceptance and self love aren’t a sprint to the finish of enlightenment, that you will fix once and never have to think about again - working your way towards self love is a marathon. Run it for yourself, not against anyone else.